Posted by Mark Wardlaw
on November 27, 1999 at 02:33:23:
All I ever wanted to be in life was a teacher. Last March I turned 40 I'm married with 4 kids and (one on the way) that are the pride of my life. My wife is Catholic and I'm Baptist which makes it tough enough. My real problem is have severe ADD. Growing up I was often told I was lazy. The truth was I couldn't concentrate on anything for any length of time. I have this tunnel vision in my left eye. It's kind of a foggyness that greatly effected my eye contact with people. My father liked to move about every year growing up . At first I wasnt't bad at making friends. Gradually I told myself "the hell with it I'm going to move soon anyway so whats the use" so I stoped trying.
I always seemed inmature throughout High School. My hobbies were piano and coaching youth sports . I got married in College, actully married my tutor. To make a long story short ADD, has cost me some much of my life. I have probally lost 8 jobs in 10 1\2 yrs of marriage including 3 teaching jobs. Each time I was'nt sure what happened. Looking back I don't know that my employers really knew either. I would hear the same thing " you work hard and your here everyday but you just dont seem to grasp the big picture so we are going to move in another diriction"
As I said my first love was and always will be teaching. The problem there has been my lack of consistancy with my concentration and awareness in the classroom. I also have had problems reading the situation I would missinterpreted what my bosses wanted me to do. After I lost my first teaching job I trained myself to go back. Two years later I got a second chance but I again did not get my contract renewed. This was extremily devastating to me and my family I lost my core belief in myself. This has ruined my marriage because my wife has lost so much faith in me. I thought many times about suicide as I gradually shut out my family and friends.They say that people with ADD developes an addiction like drugs or drinking, well mine was pornogrpghy it was my escape. I would stay up hours on the internet looking at anything to take my mind off my problems. I would see videos and so on.I am 40 yrs old brown hair and eyes 6'6 and and in great shape but I was looking for something. I lost my faith in God, I often would go somewhere by myself and curse him. I had gone to 2 Doctors in the past but they could't help me. I finally want to another Doctor who was briliant with ADD. At first she put me on Wellbutrin which at first worked great but shortly afterwards I began having chestpains like I was having a heart attack and had to discontinue the medication. My Doctor next put me on Effexor and Ritlin and I have seen a world of difference. My concentration has been unbelievable the tunnel vision I had in my left eye is gone. I have alot more energy now than and I get so much done. I am now teaching and coaching again and enjoying it so much more. My faith in God has been restored because I now blame it on ADD not God. I still have a poor since of awareness and that bothers me. The problem now is I'm wanting to get my doctor to see my 10 yr old son who I just know has ADD but my wife fights me on the issue. She constantly badmouths my Doctor and makes me feel like a retard. This really frustrates me because I know that I will be a great teacher someday but I'm worried that I will not get my teaching contract renewed and that would be my breaking point. At this time I am not taking any medicine except natural products because of changing insurance companies. My school District will start in Jan. so I will once again see my Doctor. I would descibe my ADD as constantly slapping a tv to get a clear reception. I try to overcome my deadness in my brain with lots of energy and enthusiasm. My wife and I are not close she does'nt respect me and I dont like the way she allows the kids to run her over. I would like to meet people with this same problem so please reply and sorry this letter has been so long. Please Reply Thanks MWARD