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Posted by K on November 11, 2000 at 23:25:13:

Hey,
I'm having a very hard time. About 6 months ago, I quit smoking pot. I'd smoked everyday for 2-3 years. Always had some probs w/ substances -- alcohol, prescrip drugs, but nothing that grabbed me the way pot did. In the last 6 months, I've smoked pot twice. Once about 3 months ago, and then again last night. I feel like an afterschool special -- pot does make the world go color for me, it does feel like a best friend. 3 months ago after I did it, I mourned not being able to do pot again. It was patehetic -- wrote poems, cried. I mean I feel like I'm losing the only thing that has been there through the worst part of my life. The ONLY thing that makes me feel better. I felt so alive last night. Estatic when I smoked. But at the same time I felt intense despair. Pot for me is the uniting of the two. I have to stop. I am so scared I'm going to spiral and use it again. I don't know if I can commit to stopping. I thought I could, but now I'm not so sure. I can't get into the 12 step thing b/c the higher power thing throws me off. I can't get past it. I'm just not too sure about the higher power thing. What can I do to help myself? I feel so isolated and downright foolish about all of it. Here I have a Masters degree. Yet, here I am feeling all gooey about pot! Ugh! Help! I have so much to lose if I go back to that lifestyle, but I'm ashamed to say, it is sooooo tempting. I'm in counseling, but I just don't know. Something's not working. I've developed better coping mechanisms, blah, blah, blah, but when things got really crappy, and I felt like it was all falling apart. So I smoked, I planned on smoking. I kept on putting it off, hoping at some point I just wouldn't want it anymore. Made lists of why I don't want to use pot. But I still did it.
K

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