In Reply to: marijuana addiction posted by K on November 11, 2000 at 23:25:13:
: Hey,
: I'm having a very hard time. About 6 months ago, I quit smoking pot. I'd smoked everyday for 2-3 years. Always had some probs w/ substances -- alcohol, prescrip drugs, but nothing that grabbed me the way pot did. In the last 6 months, I've smoked pot twice. Once about 3 months ago, and then again last night. I feel like an afterschool special -- pot does make the world go color for me, it does feel like a best friend. 3 months ago after I did it, I mourned not being able to do pot again. It was patehetic -- wrote poems, cried. I mean I feel like I'm losing the only thing that has been there through the worst part of my life. The ONLY thing that makes me feel better. I felt so alive last night. Estatic when I smoked. But at the same time I felt intense despair. Pot for me is the uniting of the two. I have to stop. I am so scared I'm going to spiral and use it again. I don't know if I can commit to stopping. I thought I could, but now I'm not so sure. I can't get into the 12 step thing b/c the higher power thing throws me off. I can't get past it. I'm just not too sure about the higher power thing. What can I do to help myself? I feel so isolated and downright foolish about all of it. Here I have a Masters degree. Yet, here I am feeling all gooey about pot! Ugh! Help! I have so much to lose if I go back to that lifestyle, but I'm ashamed to say, it is sooooo tempting. I'm in counseling, but I just don't know. Something's not working. I've developed better coping mechanisms, blah, blah, blah, but when things got really crappy, and I felt like it was all falling apart. So I smoked, I planned on smoking. I kept on putting it off, hoping at some point I just wouldn't want it anymore. Made lists of why I don't want to use pot. But I still did it.
: K
Dear K,
It's like looking at a mirror of my story, and so many others on this board. It's hard to believe that you've gotten addicted, and rely upon something that's "supposed" to be a non-addictive, safe drug, right? Well, welcome to the club. My story is posted througout this board. My husband and I were smokers for 20 years, and have recently been trying (not totally sucessfully), to quit. We've slipped up twice in our 2 1/2 month sobriety.
I'll bet I can read your mind - you think that pot is your reward for working/doing dishes/vacumming/etc. It's your little time to catch a buzz, and feel that relaxed, euphoric feeling. You tell yourself - "Hey - I deserve it". "I'm not hurting anyone". "At least I'm not an alcoholic, like some people". I bet now you are really scared that you can't live your life right unless you get to catch that buzz. Getting high seems normal, and being straight feels like hell. Like it's a bigger reality, and you'd rather not face it. I, too, avoided NA because of the God thing. I'm agnostic. So, we're trying to get by one day at a time, and we hope it gets easier for us.
There is NEVER going to come a time when you "just don't want it anymore". It ain't gonna happen, trust me. Try your best to quit now, no matter what method you choose. It'll eat up your money, your perception of your life, and possibly, your self-esteem. Good luck to you!
Victoria
- Re: Hope you've read our similar stories further down the board..... Krista 11:54:08 11/13/00
(0)