Posted by James
on November 13, 2000 at 11:12:50:
In Reply to: marijuana addiction posted by K on November 11, 2000 at 23:25:13:
: I'm having a very hard time. About 6 months ago, I quit smoking pot. I'd smoked everyday for 2-3 years. Always had some probs w/ substances -- alcohol, prescrip drugs, but nothing that grabbed me the way pot did. In the last 6 months, I've smoked pot twice. Once about 3 months ago, and then again last night. I feel like an afterschool special -- pot does make the world go color for me, it does feel like a best friend. 3 months ago after I did it, I mourned not being able to do pot again. It was patehetic -- wrote poems, cried. I mean I feel like I'm losing the only thing that has been there through the worst part of my life. The ONLY thing that makes me feel better. I felt so alive last night. Estatic when I smoked. But at the same time I felt intense despair. Pot for me is the uniting of the two. I have to stop. I am so scared I'm going to spiral and use it again. I don't know if I can commit to stopping. I thought I could, but now I'm not so sure. I can't get into the 12 step thing b/c the higher power thing throws me off. I can't get past it. I'm just not too sure about the higher power thing. What can I do to help myself? I feel so isolated and downright foolish about all of it. Here I have a Masters degree. Yet, here I am feeling all gooey about pot! Ugh! Help! I have so much to lose if I go back to that lifestyle, but I'm ashamed to say, it is sooooo tempting. I'm in counseling, but I just don't know. Something's not working. I've developed better coping mechanisms, blah, blah, blah, but when things got really crappy, and I felt like it was all falling apart. So I smoked, I planned on smoking. I kept on putting it off, hoping at some point I just wouldn't want it anymore. Made lists of why I don't want to use pot. But I still did it.
Just seen your message and it brings a lot home to me. I just quit smoking pot myself this is my first day without being stoned for about a year when I last quit for a month or so. But basically I have been smoking all day every day for 25 years I live in the U.K where like most of Europe pot is all messed up with tobacco I gave up cigarettes 30 months ago and now I'm ready for pot. The first thing I want to say K. is congratulations try not to focus on your two slips it would be really good if you could truly acknowledge your achievment in quitting for six months fantastic! If you can't acknowledge yourself allow me to do that for you what a tremendous achievment I truly understand your beliefs about pot or dope as we call it, It's your best friend, it adds colour, you feel alive. Last night as I was smoking up my ends I found my stoned mind warning me how boring my life was going to be without pot and saying goodby to me This is all rubbish of course I am the same person stoned or straight there is no doubt about it pot is fun but it is also the classic drug of illusion " when I'm high I am more relaxed, creative, awake, high, focussed," this is of course all total bullshit in the real world when I'm stoned I'm too out of it to remember anything for more than abot five seconds I can cope with life but only cope pot, has stunted my growth, and isolated me from others no doubt about it. I can identify with your problems at n.a. personally I don't have a problem with higher power. But I find meetings tend to focus too much on how painful it is stopping and how long it takes to work the steps, for me I prefer to focus on the simple truths of why I want to quit & what I expect from life in return if I make it. I always put my motivation out there in front of me when I feel the urge. There are two other things that I find helpful, First when I experience that empty part of me that needs to be filled up with smoke, food love alcohol or whatever I try to feel the emotion that wants to be pushed down. Anger, fear, sadness, rejection, even joy. when I'm in touch with the emotion I try to acknowledge it and then either express it as safely as I can or let it go. secondly I love to get high but I have discovered that through Yoga, meditation tai chi or even fasting I can get high naturally and I mean really high light and happy without that narcotic feeling that I get from pot. Do you have any possibility to practice Yoga or Meditation? maybe it dosen't appeal to you but it is very useful in balancing out exhaustion, tiredness and irritability. Hopefully these are things that are going to help me over the coming months I have promised myself I wont smoke for three months and take it from there, at the moment I'm doing ok but would welcome correspondence and support from whoever, wherever, Do I just leave this message and check the board? good luck K