Posted by Krista
on November 18, 2000 at 15:30:39:
In Reply to: Re: marijuana addiction posted by James Langton on November 13, 2000 at 20:14:24:
Glad to hear you are doing ok. I understand the isolation. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 3 years. He didn't smoke and it came to a point where I had to choose between him and pot. We have a wonderful relationship. And I'm embarrassed to admit, I actually had to sit down and do pros and cons to figure out if I wanted him or pot. He hated me smoking, being out of it all the time. I used to smoke every day. If I couldn't smoke (went home for x-mas or something), I'd bring brownies and although I didn't like really like them, I had to eat them to cope. Sobriety was too much to handle. I'd get up at noon and begin smoking at 3pm. Sometimes I'd wait until 6 pm. And I'd stay high the rest of the night. Because of all the turmoil in my life at the time when I was smoking the most, pot actually increased my functioning. Instead of getting B's in grad school, I started getting A's. I had more friends. Part of that was also because I stopped drinking. Pot didn't give me the hangover alcohol did. And I didn't get sick like I did when I'd drink. But, after a few years, me and my boyfriend got together and after awhile, I started putting things back together and pot started getting in the way. This was about a year or so ago when I realized this. I couldn't work as much b/c of pot. I felt bad b/c I'd smoked so much around my cats, I was worried they'd get ashtma. I was sick of getting bronchitis every darn winter a million times. Et cetera, et cetera. I'm now a counselor at a battered women's shelter and I do cat rescue, and I coulnd't do these things and smoke. It takes soooo much energy to maintain an addiction for me. I saw this cheesy thing on tv and this girl said "you have to chase your recovery the same way you chased you drug of choice." Yup. What I miss about pot. So much. I miss the comfort. The lack of responsibility -- if I crack up on somebody, I can blame it on pot. If I get depressed, I can say, oh it's cause I was high. Also pot gave me permission to be happy -- really happy, and sober that's hard for me. When I get happy, my mind starts spitting out all kinds of reminders about how I should "face reality" and I get all bummed. Pot was wonderful for me for awhile. But when I started putting my life back together, it wasn't wonderful anymroe. It was hurting me. Keeping me from being with my boyfriend b/c I couldn't smoke around him b/c he has asthma, he hated the smell so I'd have to brush my teeth and use mouthwash everytiem I'd smoke and change my shirt, and he hated how removed I became emotionally when high. Insulated from the world. Ugh. The cravings are unbelievable. I'm justing doing the one day at a time thing. Grrrr. Thanks again for the support. Hope you are doing well.