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Message
Posted by Traci on November 22, 1999 at 13:31:53:

In Reply to: Re: crack addiction posted by LIN on October 05, 1999 at 17:07:35:

I just read Lily and Brad's responses and I have a situation of my own that is very perplexing.
I've never used and rarely drink. This summer, I had a whirlwind romance with a man that I
genuinely fell in love with. I think that at the time, he sincerely felt the same. It wasn't long
before we were sexually active and I got pregnant. Initially, he was ecstatic about our
relationship, the pregnancy and taking a role in my older children's lives. ( I was the nervous
one, then.)

I noticed almost immediatly that he was impulsive and intense and although I believed he was
sincere, I wondered if he could commit. For one thing he's 42 (I'm 29) and although he has a good job,
I learned that several years ago, he gave up his successful CPA career because he was
"sick of it." He's now a construction foreman. He's had 3 "serious" relationships, but according
to him they more or less lived separate lives and his descent into drug use in the past
seems to cooincide with these relationships ending. I also began to notice that all of his friends,
the married, stable ones, call him sometimes 3 or more times a week to "see how he's doing."
And he lives with his mother, which at first appeared to be a temporary arrangement after his
break-up with a 5-year relationship. . . . but I learned this is sort of a routine for him, too.

About 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I asked him about these things and also about
what he had referred to as "some trouble he was in" because of some drug use a few months
ago. I really didn't have a clue what I was about to hear.

What I learned was that about every 5 years he has historically gone on what he refers to as a
"drug run" where he basically drops out of society and smokes crack like crazy. He's been on
a run to Florida for a deal , and shortly thereafter he quit working at the CPA firm and
got so into the drugs that he now has a felony conviction in a state he used to live in. He's never
done time for any of this. He went to a 30-day rehab deal and was clean for 5 years, until his
most recent relationship (before me) ended. A few months later, he went on another "run" and
ended up smoking crack with a woman he met in a bar in the presence of her teen-aged
daughter. Depending on whom you speak with, apparently, he tried to get the teen girl to have
sex with him (apparently this behavior was brought on by the crack) and so . . . . the trouble
he's in now has to do with what is called "1st degree sexual assault." Naturally, I found all of
this information very disturbing, but ultimately decided to believe what I thought I saw in him
which was a desire to overcome his addiction and be a responsible adult. I spent the next
couple of weeks thinking things through, searching out Nar-Anon in my city and hiding this
information from my family . . . if they knew, they wouldn't give him a chance and I really
believed he needed to be viewed as the man he wanted to be and not the man he had been.
We all need that, don't we?

To my surprise, he has done a complete 180 degree turn in his attitude towards me, the
pregnancy, etc. I have gone from being on a virtual pedestal and hearing some incredible
promises from him . . . . to listening to tirades about how my behavior makes him "suspicious"
and how I'm not trustworthy and how he feels, in essence, "trapped" by the pregnancy.

My "feelings" about all of this aside, I'm wondering how much of this behavior is "normal" for the
addict. Although I've ended the relationship (he seems relieved, honestly) I have not closed the
door on the future -- however, I don't want to be foolish or unfair and I do love the man. The risks
to my emotional well-being and my older children's well-being just seem too great to justify
xposing us to more of this unstable behavior. I will continue with the pregnancy -- quite possibly
raising this child without his involvement -- I'd like to have some idea how I can cope with this
behavior.Are there some books I can read to better understand?

(It should be noted that he's back in the "recovery process". So, he has stopped using, but
I wonder if he's really and truly "recovering." This behavior in regards to me has all occurred
while he was clean.)

My friends and family are appalled by the whole relationship and think I'm crazy. I wonder
myself how my life has unraveled and think maybe it's best to just walk away. ON the other
hand . . . . I am reluctant to totally close the door. Thanks to anyone who has input.
I'll be checking the board.

Traci

: : I dont know if you sought help for your addiction by now, or if your still using. I just found this spot. My name is Kecia and I am an addict, alcoholic. I can only tell you my experience, strength and hope. I too "was" a weekend warrior, but using dope gets harder to control after a while. It turned into everyday. I said I wouldn't ever let it get like that either. And Sunday nite partying, turned into, Monday morning still getting "one more, and I'm through". Not. I had to lose damn near my life to get out. I went to jail and that was my first surrender. I stayed off crack for 2yrs. I got my sh*t together, and then one day that sh*t called me, and I went out for 11 hours. I came back, by the grace of God and been off everything for 8yrs. I go to 12 step meetings, and they are good. But just like anything, you got to have a made up mind that your staying off the dope/booze because it's f*cked up, your f*cked up on the stuff and you usually f*ck over someone for "one more". I went to therapy too. There's nothing wrong w/talking to a shrink, professional, whatever about your life. I think you got to check around though, cause the bottom line is about the m-o-n-e-y. Also, I had to change my whole lifestyle. I mean I couldn't hang at the clubs all the time, or the dopehose for real. I even had to let some long time friends go, because all our lives it really was about the getting high. I thank God I didn't kill anyone, get a std or that I landed in the slammer for a long time. And I got the nice things of womanhood back. I look at myself in the mirror and like what I see. I also like how I feel now. Using dope is always an option for me, I just don't chose it. I may still act f*cked towards people, and situations, and I can fall out w/the whole world. I just no for sure that if I get some dope/booze, I am out the box for sure. My hope for you and me is we don't use ever again. They say "one day at a time", fine, but for me, I can't afford to get high like I like to. I don't like feelings, I don't like nothing to interfere w/my using, so hell no, I can't afford to get high like I like to. Besides, I know now that there is a better life than that. So. I hope you can stop. And if you can, hope you stay stopped. Love ya

: : Grateful,

: : Kecia
: : : : : I have a weekend crack cocaine problem. I am fine all week then Friday rolls around and sometimes I can make untill Saturday . For the past three years I can not stay off for more then 2 weeks. Please can someone help me. I feel I have lost myself. DOes anyone know what I am going though. Please Help.

: : : : Hi Joanna,
: : : : you are addicted to one of the most addictive substances. I can not tell you tell you what you are going through, because I never have, but my fiancee. He tried crack last year around that time. First on the weekends only, later full time. He lost his job, selfesteem, and all his possessions. In the meantime I became
: : : : expert in crack addiction. There are many support groups, which approach the problem differently. The most known are Narcotics Anonymous or Cocain Anonymous. I am pretty sure that there are meeting in your town. They approach did not work with my fiancee, he needed something more rational, so I found the book Rational Recovery.
: : : : This self-help group has also Website (www.rationalrecovery.com). I like the way they attack the addiction, it makes so much sense. Besides that there are other websites, such as How to kick Crack Addiction etc. Look up Recovery on Yahoo.

: : : : Even though my fiancee tried very hard to stay clean, he kept on relapsing. He also had a pattern, every two weeks, later he was diagnoses with Bi-Polar disorder. This is a mood disorder and a lot of people selfmedicate themself with illegal drugs to even up the mood swings. Therefore he could not stay clean. Now he is on medication and o.k so far.
: : : : So please look up Bi-polar disorder and see if you have any symptoms. If you do go to the doc. I have noticed that there are a lot of people that used drugs and stoped when they dicided that they had enough without treatment, just will power. On the other hand, there are a lot of people who do not want ot use, but can not stop without help. I believe that these people often suffer from
: : : : Bi-polar disorder.

: : : : Please e-mail me if you need more information.
: : : : Lilly

: : : LILLY

: : : I GOT COLD CHILLS REAING YOUR RESPONSE.

: : : LET ME MAKE A COUPLA COMMENTS AND ASK YOU A COUPLA QUESTIONS, IF YOU PLEASE.

: : : I AM A CRACK ADDICT.

: : : 10 YEARS AGO, I WAS SELECTED AS ONE OF THE TOP 10 LAWYERS AND ONE OF THE MOST ELIGBLE BACHELORS IN MY RATHER LARGE CITY

: : : TODAY, I AM HEAVILY IN DEBT, HAVE LOST EVERYTHING, AND AM ALONE.

: : : I WAS JUST ABOUT TO HEAD FOR THE CRACKHOUSE AND SPEND MY LAST 40 FOR A COUPLA 20'S WHEN I DECIDED TO LOOK UNDER CRACK ADDICTION UNDER ALTAVISA

: : : 1. I AM AWARE HOW N.A. TREATS ADDICTION ( A COURSE FROM WHICH YOU NEVER GRADUATE) BUT I AM NOT AWARE HOW COCAINE ANONYMOUS TREATS IT. WHAT DO THEY DO.

: : : 2. I AM A MODERATE BI-POLAR. AT FIRST, I TOOK WELBUTRIN AND I DIDN'T SEEM TO WANT TO SMOKE CRACK DURING THAT TIME, BUT IT MADE ME TO ANTZY AND WIRED. SO, MY SHRINK SWITCHED ME TO EFEXXOR AND MY CRACK USE HAD TRIPLED DURING THE TIME I USED EFEXXOR, BUT I'M NOT SURE THAT EFFEXOR IS "THE CAUSE" OR EVEN "A CAUSE ". WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT AND WHAT MEDICATION DOES YOUR FIANCE TAKE.

: : : 3. I'VE NEVER KNOWN A CRACK USER WITH A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. THE QUESTION IS: WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG. DOES THE CRACK ADDICTION CAUSE OR RESULT FROM THE LACK OF A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP. WHAT WAS THE CASE WITH YOUR FIANCE?
: : : WAS HE ADDICTED BEFORE HIS RELATIONSHIP OR DID HE BECOME ADDICTED DURING/BECAUSE OF HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.

: : : 4. MY PERSONAL BELIEF IS THAT CRACK ADDICTION IS
: : : A SYMPTOM OF AN UNDERLYING PROBLEM.

: : : 5. IF YOUR BECOMING AN EXPERT ON CRACK ADDICTION
: : : IS DONE OUT OF LOVE FOR YOUR MAN RATHER THAN
: : : TRYING TO CHANGE/MODIFY HIM TO SUIT AND SERVE YOU BETTER, THEN MAY YOU GOD BLESS AND PROTECT YOU AND MAKE HIS/HER GRACE TO SHINE UPON YOU AND GIVE YOU AND YOUR FIANCEE PEACE.

: : : MY COMPANION OF 15 YEARS AND WIFE OF 10 YEARS COMPLETELY ABANDONED ME (ESPECIALLY PSYCHOLOGICALLY)ADDICTION MATERIALIZED. SHE HAS NEVER READ A WORD ABOUT THE PROBLEM AND NEVER EVEN ASKS ME HOW I AM. NEVER. IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT THE WELFARE OF OUR BEAUTIFUL 10 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER DEPENDS UPON MY RECOVERY

: : : LOVE AND PEACE
: : : "BRAD"
: : : (THE PSYCHO PROFESSOR)

: : :
: : :
: : : :


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