Posted by Jeri Lynn
on December 07, 1999 at 15:44:48:
In Reply to: Re: crack addiction posted by Traci on November 22, 1999 at 13:31:53:
: I just read Lily and Brad's responses and I have a situation of my own that is very perplexing.
: I've never used and rarely drink. This summer, I had a whirlwind romance with a man that I
: genuinely fell in love with. I think that at the time, he sincerely felt the same. It wasn't long
: before we were sexually active and I got pregnant. Initially, he was ecstatic about our
: relationship, the pregnancy and taking a role in my older children's lives. ( I was the nervous
: one, then.)
: I noticed almost immediatly that he was impulsive and intense and although I believed he was
: sincere, I wondered if he could commit. For one thing he's 42 (I'm 29) and although he has a good job,
: I learned that several years ago, he gave up his successful CPA career because he was
: "sick of it." He's now a construction foreman. He's had 3 "serious" relationships, but according
: to him they more or less lived separate lives and his descent into drug use in the past
: seems to cooincide with these relationships ending. I also began to notice that all of his friends,
: the married, stable ones, call him sometimes 3 or more times a week to "see how he's doing."
: And he lives with his mother, which at first appeared to be a temporary arrangement after his
: break-up with a 5-year relationship. . . . but I learned this is sort of a routine for him, too.
: About 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I asked him about these things and also about
: what he had referred to as "some trouble he was in" because of some drug use a few months
: ago. I really didn't have a clue what I was about to hear.
: What I learned was that about every 5 years he has historically gone on what he refers to as a
: "drug run" where he basically drops out of society and smokes crack like crazy. He's been on
: a run to Florida for a deal , and shortly thereafter he quit working at the CPA firm and
: got so into the drugs that he now has a felony conviction in a state he used to live in. He's never
: done time for any of this. He went to a 30-day rehab deal and was clean for 5 years, until his
: most recent relationship (before me) ended. A few months later, he went on another "run" and
: ended up smoking crack with a woman he met in a bar in the presence of her teen-aged
: daughter. Depending on whom you speak with, apparently, he tried to get the teen girl to have
: sex with him (apparently this behavior was brought on by the crack) and so . . . . the trouble
: he's in now has to do with what is called "1st degree sexual assault." Naturally, I found all of
: this information very disturbing, but ultimately decided to believe what I thought I saw in him
: which was a desire to overcome his addiction and be a responsible adult. I spent the next
: couple of weeks thinking things through, searching out Nar-Anon in my city and hiding this
: information from my family . . . if they knew, they wouldn't give him a chance and I really
: believed he needed to be viewed as the man he wanted to be and not the man he had been.
: We all need that, don't we?
: To my surprise, he has done a complete 180 degree turn in his attitude towards me, the
: pregnancy, etc. I have gone from being on a virtual pedestal and hearing some incredible
: promises from him . . . . to listening to tirades about how my behavior makes him "suspicious"
: and how I'm not trustworthy and how he feels, in essence, "trapped" by the pregnancy.
: My "feelings" about all of this aside, I'm wondering how much of this behavior is "normal" for the
: addict. Although I've ended the relationship (he seems relieved, honestly) I have not closed the
: door on the future -- however, I don't want to be foolish or unfair and I do love the man. The risks
: to my emotional well-being and my older children's well-being just seem too great to justify
: xposing us to more of this unstable behavior. I will continue with the pregnancy -- quite possibly
: raising this child without his involvement -- I'd like to have some idea how I can cope with this
: behavior.Are there some books I can read to better understand?
: (It should be noted that he's back in the "recovery process". So, he has stopped using, but
: I wonder if he's really and truly "recovering." This behavior in regards to me has all occurred
: while he was clean.)
: My friends and family are appalled by the whole relationship and think I'm crazy. I wonder
: myself how my life has unraveled and think maybe it's best to just walk away. ON the other
: hand . . . . I am reluctant to totally close the door. Thanks to anyone who has input.
: I'll be checking the board.
: : : I dont know if you sought help for your addiction by now, or if your still using. I just found this spot. My name is Kecia and I am an addict, alcoholic. I can only tell you my experience, strength and hope. I too "was" a weekend warrior, but using dope gets harder to control after a while. It turned into everyday. I said I wouldn't ever let it get like that either. And Sunday nite partying, turned into, Monday morning still getting "one more, and I'm through". Not. I had to lose damn near my life to get out. I went to jail and that was my first surrender. I stayed off crack for 2yrs. I got my sh*t together, and then one day that sh*t called me, and I went out for 11 hours. I came back, by the grace of God and been off everything for 8yrs. I go to 12 step meetings, and they are good. But just like anything, you got to have a made up mind that your staying off the dope/booze because it's f*cked up, your f*cked up on the stuff and you usually f*ck over someone for "one more". I went to therapy too. There's nothing wrong w/talking to a shrink, professional, whatever about your life. I think you got to check around though, cause the bottom line is about the m-o-n-e-y. Also, I had to change my whole lifestyle. I mean I couldn't hang at the clubs all the time, or the dopehose for real. I even had to let some long time friends go, because all our lives it really was about the getting high. I thank God I didn't kill anyone, get a std or that I landed in the slammer for a long time. And I got the nice things of womanhood back. I look at myself in the mirror and like what I see. I also like how I feel now. Using dope is always an option for me, I just don't chose it. I may still act f*cked towards people, and situations, and I can fall out w/the whole world. I just no for sure that if I get some dope/booze, I am out the box for sure. My hope for you and me is we don't use ev