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Posted by Stewart on October 09, 2000 at 18:29:54:

Hi kiddo,

Just needed to spill my guts on someone who might be able to empathize. I wouldn't mind a little sympathy right now either. You know I believe that sometimes sympathy can be good for the soul?. Not a constant case of it you see, just a little, may be I wouldn't feel so alone.

Boy do I feel alone. May be I am having a pity party or may be I am coming to terms with everything. May be it has all hit me today. All I have done is cry. As a matter of fact I am crying right now. I have cried over the 3 surgerys in 2 years, I have cried over what it has cost me;, jobs, re-modeling my house, gardening, my mother's 60th birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas's, my newphews birthday party, my parents 45th wedding anniversary, Christmas shopping, traveling, my God, and I mean that in the literal sense, I just don't know what to do. I know it will be OK, I just don't know when. You know this is really crazy, so many of you are still going through what I have endured the past few years. By the grace of God, it is all over for me now. No more physical pain, but the mental stuff caused by this f*&^%&(ing disc is driving me wild. If I end up repeating myself, I don't mean too. I have a line on a new job, it seems really promising but I am scared to death. I promised myself that no employer will ever know. I am so afraid that they will find out about the meds I am on, all the surgery's, ask why can't you sit, why do you get up and down so much, what can't you play on the company sports team, aren't you team oriented. I will freeze and my brain will scream, "no I am not like you, but you can't see it?, and I can't tell you because you are going to think I am looking for pity or a hypocondriac or something". I am becoming afraid to leave my house, I am afraid of failing again over something I can't control. I can only work with it. I have pretended that none of this bothered me, but, I am kidding myself widly. Yes, I am happy that all of this is finally over. I know that it has been a long road and I have sucessfully come to it's end, but, what I didn't expect was that there was another road to travel caused from the first road I traveled. I just don't know how else to put it. I really just want to give up and sit here so that I never have to explain myself to anyone as to why I can't do this or that. One piece of solice is that if I get this job, all those who pray-please pray for this, I will have my own office so no one will hear me calling my Dr.'s office for refills. My last boss is spreading rumors that I am a drug addict. Funny, I was taking tylonol and robaxin and leaving the heavy stuff to take at home. All she heard was pills jingling in my pocketbook, she knew I had just had surgery and she put 2 and 2 together and got 5, but I lost due to her outright stupidity. It will be amzaing to see the person I become after I move though this chapter of my life. I know I will be stronger as long as I don't give in. But, sometimes giving in just seems so much more easier. My dad arrived tonight mad, because I hadn't done anymore remodeling and he said he would see me in hell before he showed up again to help. This really hurt me as I am 3 months post op from the fusion and not even 1 year from the second surgery. Sorry for rambling guys, I am just really tired, may be tomorrow I will feel better. God Bless, Stewart.

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