Posted by Dani
on October 17, 2000 at 16:04:58:
In Reply to: Denial Survey posted by Tweak on October 17, 2000 at 15:24:57:
I know EXACTLY what you mean. I don't want to admit that I am a 21 year old that needs major surgery! and I did not want to admit it at 20. At 18, when I had my first surgery it wasn't so bad..because I had no idea the problem was gonna stick with me!!
Sometimes I do things which are RIDICULOUS! One night over the summer, I decided "I'm gonna go for a run". Did I ever used to like to run? No!
In fact, I hated it! I was on the Track team in high school..but all I ever did were the sprints. The shorter the distance, the better!
But for whatever reason I decided that my going for a run would prove something. So..I did. Was it stupid? YES!! I got 100 yards away from my apartment and not only started sucking serious wind, but also noticed that my legs really weren't working the way they used to. I felt like a Gumbi doll..and the whole thing just infuriated me and made me feel stupid!
And then there was the time that I decided to not ask for help lifting boxes at the admissions office I worked in (I go to Boston College). The boxes probably weighed around 30 lbs. each. well, well, well..can you guess what happened with that one? umm...ya..I don't even need to go into it!
Sometimes I have days when the pain isn't too bad and I think..maybe I can live with this after-all, maybe it isn't so bad and is not worth having another surgery. But then I think.."wait a minute..I have to take morphine to get through most every day!" and then I think about the real bad days, when the pain is horrible..and how anything would be worth not having those days.
I guess I think about the over-all picture and not about specific days or weeks. I know I could be feeling a lot better, over-all, and basically I'll try anything to get there.
Well Tweak, hang-in there. We are all rooting for you and, believe me, we all know what it is like.
every good wish-