Posted by Maria (Bos)
on November 07, 2000 at 06:06:10:
It never fails...for God sake, I get bad news even when I go to the dentist!!!
As most of you know, I had the bone density test done yesterday. I have arthritis. I have osteoarthritis, and I'm going to have some blood test done next week for rheumatois (sp?) arthritis too. I might actually have both. I have it, in too many places to even list here. So, my doctor handed my a brochure on "living with osteoporosis" and said their is nothing you can do for it. You just have to "live with it". I started to ask a million questions, like why, when, how...and she stopped me and said "you can't aske these questions, because their is no answer, and don't waiste your time running around looking for an answer or a cure, becuase their is nothing out there. It's like a car, you buy it new, depending on how you drive it, that's how long it will last. Things start to fall apart on it, you can't ask why, when, how, it just does. I swallowed my tears, and I made such large gulps trying to control them. I felt my eyes filling up, and I get faught it. I was barely able to say "well, I'm not going to stop here. I going to keep looking, until i find something. Maybe you're right. Maybe this is the end of my search, this is how is has to be. But I'm not ready yet, and I don't know if I am ever going to be ready to give up and "accept it".
My poor husband. I called him while I was driving home (I wanted to get the crying part out of the way before the kids at home saw me). He told me about all those new surgeries out their that do replacements. Hip replacements, knuckles, wrist, knees, all sorts of new things are happeneing for people with arthritis....I don't want it. Nope. I just want it to go away. Maybe I do have to accept it. Their is no surgery, or magical pill that's going to make it all better. Theirs definetly no "spine fairy".
I'm having a real hard time with this. I'm 30years old. She said arthritis is "wear and tear". I don't get it....I want my lfe back, I want my body back, you know the one I had 2 years ago, when I was 28 and their was not "wear and tear" (what a difference 2 years makes...)
Well, my husband still reminds me that I am a fighter, that the Maria he knows would never give up. I think I want to now. I feel foolish, and stupid. Ho many more walls do I have to slam into before I realize that this is how it's going to be now?
Best wishes to all of you