Posted by Maria (Bos)
on December 10, 2000 at 07:43:05:
In Reply to: Feeling Guilty posted by Shawn Marie on December 09, 2000 at 21:56:05:
Being a superwoman I know exaclty how you feel. I am a 30yr old mother of 3. I did everything before I had my first back surgery. I worked, cleaned the house, entertained guests once a week by cooking 5 course meals, grocery shopping. I rearranged the furniture once a month, and scrubbed my bath tub twice a week. I can barely cook a descent meal now. I have to give my husband a grocery list. I have to ignore the soap scum in the bath tub, and kick the toys out of my way. At first it was really hard. I had more trouble dealing with my inability to do things that with the pain. I was angry at my husband for not being able to do what I used to do. I was angry at the kids for not being able to keep the house clean. I was angry with myself for not being a super woman. All my life I did. I kept going, and going like the energizer bunny, and even when my back problems started I still kept going like a deteriorated energizer bunny. I did not stop until my body did. I have learned a lot in this past year. I learned that I was my own worse enemy, and that I abused myself. I pushed myself too much, and I never respected myself enough to stop when I had too. I learned what the more important things in life are, like giving my 2year old a horsy back ride, throwing some pitches to my 11year old, making snow angles with my 5year old, or maybe even making love with my husband. It has been a year now, a very long painful year. I have only one wish now, and that is to get better so that I can do all those things with my kids and husband. I am not super woman, I can not do it all. I have limits, and I deserve to receive as much as I give. I don't miss the position I had worked 5 years to get, I don't miss entertaining all my family and friends once a week, I don't miss having the cleanest house in the neighborhood, I don't even miss the second income. What I miss the most, is my family. I miss being alive. I miss being happy. I get angry some times with myself for what I have done to them. For all the fun and exciting things they are missing out on. I do know that I have no control over what is happening to us now, and do you know how hard it is for a control freak to say that? :o)
My husband has been very understanding and sypmathetic with my pain. This has been a learning experience for him too because he has learned that he can't "fix" everything. Do you know how hard it is for a man to not be able to "fix" something? :o) We are trying to make the best out of a terrible situation. We are working together, and we are being honest to eachother. I don't get angry when my husband say's "I can't take it anymore!", I hold him and cry together. Because I have learned one more important thing. This is not "my" problem, this is our problem. He hurts as much as I do. Just differently. My children hurt as much as we do. Every one expresses their pain differently, and even though at first I could not understand why every one was being so "selfish" and I was the the one with the "real" problem, I have learned that we all are hurting. We are all grieving for one common reason "loss". Me and my family have a "loss" from my back problem that we, together, must grieve over. Together, we will get through this. Together we are more powerful than any back problem.
I am sorry for the book. I really did not expect to write so much. I just read to post, and say me, 8 months ago. I pray that you do not have to suffer as long as "we" have been, and I hope that I have helped you at least a little bit with my autobiography :o)
Be well Shawn Marie, and dont' be so hard on your self. Allow yourself to be in pain, and to give yourself the time you need to heal your body.
Best wishes to you and your family, and I hope that you all find the strength to get through this "test" of life.