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Old 07-27-2004, 02:21 AM   #1
lithium lithium is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Portland, OR, USA
Posts: 5
lithium HB User
question and want to vent

Hi everyone. I have a question. I am 100 % positive that I have OCD and have since I was a young child. I have no medical plan but I need to get some meds to help me w/this or I will lose my mind. When I had medical I was put on several different anxiety meds but can't have any of them now as I have no medical. This may be a dumb question but are there any places out there that offer free or very low cost medical? And does anybody know of any good resources to check out for this. My OCD has gotten to the point where I can't swallow or breathe if I don't constantly repeat this certain saying over and over in my mind. I keep snapping and I can't focus on my work. I just feel so helpless and alone. everything has to be perfect and no matter how much I accomplish during the day I feel like a complete worthless failure and I am obsessed with the fact that I must be dying from some terrible disease. If I even so much as hear the words aids or cancer it will ruin my whole day and I will feel sick to my stomach. I have to touch everything over and over again and I have an obsession with the left side. I have to put my left shoe on first, then the right, then touch my left foot because i have to have everything end on the left. When I got tatoos I had to have them on my left side. God I must sound so crazy. Does anybody do these things?? Am I truly crazy? I constanlty dig my nails into the palm of my hand and into the sides of my thumbs and I can't stop. I think of terrible things and it is almost as if it is a voice in my head saying these things and not me as I am horrified by the thoughts that i have and it makes me naseous. I have these certain rituals that I just have to do and if I don't do them it prevents me from sleeping or I am convinced I will have ruined my day or made something bad happen if I don't do them. I feel compelled to do the stupidest things that make no sense and I can't relax. I never make time for myself. I have to constantly be doing something "productive" or I am wasting my time. I can't make myself sit down for even 2 seconds in the day to relax or I feel terribly guilty. And not being able to relax just stresses me out more. Does this happen to anybody else? Or am I just extra crazy It is getting bad. Things have to be doen a certain way or I will lose my mind. Everything always has to be clean. I spend my whole day working, cleaning, and worrying and obsessing about things until I feel on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. Has anybody else experienced anything like this??