Join Date: Mar 2004
| | I'm lost. I want to be free
I don't really expect anything to become of what I write on this board. I use it mainly as a release. I have to put all of these overflowing emotions somewhere. Can't write with a pen or paper, my hand shakes like a leaf sometimes. I guess I'll cut to the chase... I want to die. Not saying I am or will. I just have these overriding feelings of death. I'm lost. Lost in every way possible. Somewhere so dark. Somewhere so deep. I'm walking on a hopeless road. I'm scared. I'm hurting. I'm deeply tormented. Sad. Empty. I wake up everyday and I just have nothing left. Nothing there. Emptied.
Pardon me for this release. I'm just grasping at straws. Gasping for air. Everyday I wake up with this cold feeling deep in my gut. My broken mind. This condition. Depression, anxiety. Whatever it is. It controls me. Controls everything. I look in the mirror. It shouldn't even show a reflection. Theres just nothing there. Nothing left of me. I have no goals or ambitions. Im useless, no drive, no talent, no education, nothing. I can barely cry. Everyday my feet gets carved up from walking all over my past broken dreams. My past has bled me to death. Drain me of my happiness. My diginity. My life.
I wine, I moan. But everyone goes through their own little piece of hell. Mine is waking up everyday wondering why im still here. Wondering where my mind went. Knowing that its going to end very badly soon. My mind has already died. Just waiting for the body to come along with it. I can feel myself breaking down physically. Shame Im still kinda young, I got a long way to go still. But I feel the beginnings. Just keep eating every fattening greasy thing you can find. I cant feel my body breaking down, day by day. Its like my right to die. No reason to try anymore. I Hate every fiber of myself. I'm the worst part of scum. I'm relatively a nice guy. Think of me as the cowardly lion in the wizard of oz. Big, scary, hairy even, mean looking, but filled with fear. I got a good heart but everything else I could throw in a big trash can and set on fire. Theres a little patch of ashes where my old self used to be. Memories of this young, vibrant, handsome(I wish), intelligent young man full of life, all just dumped into the ocean. There was a funeral a long time ago. I walked up to the casket and saw myself. I was dead on arrival the moment I was born. I hate every single thing that came out of my mother. I cant do anything for her. Theres nothing more I can say. I can't trust myself, when I'm enemy #1.
I'm going to help cleanse the gene pool and decide never to have children. Heck I don't have to worry about that. There isnt a woman alive that would let me get close enough to her just to even ask for the time. I'm so darn ugly I could serious slap God for making me this way. Or should I blame my parents. Or maybe I wouldn't look so bad if my life wasn't as rough and I wasn't 100lbs overweight. Oh and being black doesn't help. I turn on the news everyday, seeing young black men, one after another, wanted, dead, robbing, killing, arrested. Its so sad. They don't know anything else. Theyre raised around violence, theyre a product of it. I feel ashame sometimes. Almost like I need to apologize for my skin. But black or white, doesn't matter really. Theres no other burden or curse in life than being uglier than sin. Its like wearing the Scarlett letter. Everyone treats you different. But if your beautiful or even just average, its like having a incredible super power. People treat you differently. The world is more kind. Doors are open. Life is precious.
I'm a troubled, self-absored, relatively young person. I write sometimes as a outlet when I'm confronted with disaster. And I have a few very disastrous events heading my way. I have to let go of the only person who ever gave a darn about me. Its for her own good. Cos im just a cancer to her. If thats not painful enough, I have to reveal to my mother that I caught her husband and daughter having sex... again. And Im probably going to lose my job yet again. I try to take the pieces of my broken mind and just throw them out here and see if anyone can make sense of it. I have so much pressure in my head. So much to fear. Theres so many people that are going to be hurt because of me. And I can't stop it. I can't control it. It's not my fault. Theres just nothing I can do anymore. These words just lay dormant on my computer, just like boxing it up in my mind for further devestation. Nothing is explained. Noone can help me. I don't write my thoughts to be entertaining, or for pity. I write them in the way as if I was addressing a letter to the entire world that hates and rejects me. That stripped away my self worth, self esteem, and pride. I couldn't even begin to go through the bevy of misery that is my life. Im a waste of space and flesh.
It never ends. I'm trapped in a spider web. It just never ends. Theres no pill on earth that could help me. My last doctor told me "You've been on everything, I think you will just have to accept and deal with a certain level of this." Thanks Doc. But hes right. You name it, ive took it. It doesn't even put a dent into my depression, my anxiety, my fear.
Why was I born. Why was I born. This is all a mistake. Im a mistake. I shouldn't be here I shouldn't be this. Theres just nothign there. Nothing inside me. Why close my eyes. Theres nothing to dream. Why walk, I cant go anywhere. Why have a heart, I have noone to love. I just dont want to live. I dont care what God says about life being precious. Im very sorry to disagree with our almight father, if he/she/it exist, but precious to who? The beautiful? The rich? Yeah sure. They have alot to live for. Thats all life is about, trying to be beautiful and get rich. Life is precious. 3/4th of this world live in poverty. And what about the dying, the poor. What about the ugly? What about the sick, physically and mentally like many of the people on this board. I'd rather have broken arms and legs than a broken mind. You don't have your mind, you dont have anything. You can't determine whats real or not.
I have this overwhelming hatred for myself. My head throbs in pain sometimes for the amazing scorn I feel towards myself. Through all my struggle and desperation. I'm still right where I started. I beat myself. Punish myself. I feel all this guilt inside. Then after Im done, I ask myself, what did I do? Why do I do these things to myself? Well I hate you Rod.(oh thats my name btw, yeah, hi.) Because your ugly. Because your a mental midget. Because your not man enough to face the world. You let it get in. You let the depression get in. You let it consume you. Now theres a point of no return. You can't even take care of yourself. I hate you cos you eat to drown out the pain. Must be alot of pain, because you look like a whale. I hate you. Why couldn't you have been born handsome, smart, fearless, strong? Why did you lose your mind. It was the only thing you had left. You repulse me.
I don't know what I believe in. I don't know where I am. Everyone says itll be ok. But of course it won't. What happens when hope is lost? Does it ever wake you in the middle of the night. The fear. What does someone do when they awaken to that. Life is not precious to me. Its never been. Everyday is the same. I feel like Im forsaken. Or cursed or just simply, genetically challenged to live, to prosper, to find any resemblance of peace or happiness. Life isn't precious. But death. Oh, thats a treasure I can't wait to discover.
Right before I die, I hope im conscious enough to speak, I hope I can crack a little smile and tell myself, I'm free.