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Old 04-11-2005, 12:00 AM   #7
rfus rfus is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2005
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rfus HB User
Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

I have only one thread I come here for. Itís for a broken heel and I'm bed ridden. Once in a while I hit New Posts and read a few. Your post was on top. I read it and thought it was very powerful. You definitely see no solution.

I don't know you, know really nothing about what you are going through other than what you thoroughly wrote, and would only want to help if I really met you. I don't think I can, but I can't sleep from the pain of this injury and feel compelled to put a virtual hand on your shoulder.

To let you know about me, I am 26, a normal guy, and I am quite happy with life. I am not rich or beautiful. I do not think of myself as ugly.

When I read your post I felt familiar undertones. I lost my twin brother 5 years ago. After this happened I hit a mental wall. I would wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and think; tomorrow I want to end it all. I felt what you were saying. Knowing someone who did this and never wanting to do anything like that to my family made this just a thought, but I guess that is what I am saying.

I let the thoughts take over, the questions that do not have answers plague me, and my self induced complete mental seclusion isolate and dominate me. I lost self worth, stopped taking care of myself, and didn't want to get out of bed or do anything. All of this overshadowed anything I did have going for me. I beat this on my own, that was how I had to do it, and it was the toughest thing I ever did. It is a war inside your mind, defying thoughts and feeling that will not go away.

You have a disease. It is depression. Your veteran status on this board shows that you know that and want to fight it. I am reaching out in support of your fight

Ugliness is not a disease, but you feel it is your plague. You are going to have to fight really hard to let that go. How you look did not happen to you for a reason, but how you deal with how you look is going to make all the difference. Once we are old we are all ugly to look at in some sense. The elderly do not give up for this reason.

Like the others said, you do have a talent right on the page. Learn about computers. Focus on school. Get a pet. Do anything to stay in the fight. Two steps forward, one back. Two back, one forward.

Life seems so long when we are young. I can only imagine what my brother would do with one day back here. He believed that life is not hard; we just make it that way.

I am sorry for your family problems. This must be hard. Focus on yourself first.

You set a goal once. To lose weight and be fit. You accomplished this goal in little time but you were still depressed. Could you set a new goal. To fight your depression. I know you are already fighting in many ways. Try everything. Don't give up man.