Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
Anyone that gives a fraction of their time to listen and respond, I greatly appreciate it. I know I'm not going to find any answers to the puzzle. Just maybe I can understand why there has to be a puzzle. Theres a little ad under Candcrew's post that says "Depression is a treatable condition." Treatable, yes, curable, I'm afraid I don't believe so.
Unicorn430... Thanks for the suggestions. I think I've done just about everything you've said at least twice. Except the candlelights. I've done the soul searching. The cowboying. The indepth spiritual enlightenment. You know when you walk outside and try to be come one with nature. Or to just feel rain fall on my face just to remind me I'm still alive. To go outside and smell something other than the growing odor in my room because I'm in here with my door shut almost 24/7. I work the graveyard shift. Sometimes I can't help but to look up at the night sky and just stare at the stars. Never fails to intrigue me. But there's a degree of difficulty for me and I would imagine for anyone else that is deeply submerged in self-hatred. I look at all the beauty of the world and it just reminds me of how I'm the complete opposite. If your the unicorn, then I'm the donkey. I was suppose to take a trip across the Pacific ocean to a beautiful island to meet someone. And I couldn't. I don't think I could take seeing the world. Seeing the vast blue ocean and being up there in the clouds. It hurts to see beauty. Beautiful things, beautiful places, beautiful people. Thats why the troll lives under the bridge and the Prince rides the unicorn across it. It would be like a homeless person taking a tour inside a beautiful castle. You'd look in awe, but ache with deep envy. I am filled with envy. The aching, its endless, its always there. Envy is indeed a deadly sin.
rfus, Im very sorry for your heel. I hope you recover very soon and get back on your feet. When I was back in Jr. High school, I had my leg broken by a high school student doing some stupid wrestling move on me to impress his girlfriend and friends and basically have a good laugh at my expense. I was on crutches for months that year. Other than being tripped a few times and having my crutch snatched from me, It was probably the best year I had at that school before I transfered. They actually had mercy with me. I wasnt abused as much. I hope the doctors give you something for the pain. You know, I remember vividly the intense intial pain from when my leg was broken. I swear, Ive had panic attacks that felt worse.
Well, I'm 26 myself. I feel 46. But Im happy for you. And grateful you took time to post. My deepest sympathy for you and your lost loved one. Other than my grandparents, I don't know what its like to lose someone close. I just only know how it feels to lose myself.
In every war, there are casualties. Ive lost so much fighting depression and anxiety disorder. Lost parts of myself. Lost friends. Lost relationships and closeness with my family. Lost my passion for living.
Ugliness isn't a disease. No, its far worse. Its not treatable, curable, its a way of life, its the only plague of my life. 90% of everything I've been abused or have suffered from has been become of it. Its why I walk alone, live alone, sleep alone. It destroys the quality of your life. I wish I just looked normal. The oppurtunities in life, the doors, the people you meet, its all different. The world responds differently to someone like me. The way people look at me. I feel like a burn victim. Sometimes I wish I was. At least Id have a excuse I could live with for looking the way I do. To deal with it means to accept it. Unfortunately, I can never accept it. Because it has affected my life severely, and continuously has compromised my ability to live confidently and happy. Its decreased my chances of being successful in this shallow world. I can live without money and material things. I have no great pleasure in them, I would gladly accept that compromise. But I cant live being alone, just because of how I was created. As a human being, thats just to big of a void inside. No offense to God, but my life just isn't worth living.
I know everything(well almost) about computers. I dropped out of college because the anxiety would not subside. I'm severely agoraphobic, mainly cause its hard walking around feeling like the elephant man and praying I don't walk past a couple holding hands so I wont have a anxiety attack about 9.5 on the rector scale. I fight and fight, and oneday you realize its just playing with you. Spinning you around like a ballerina. Life isn't hard. I can deal with hard. Hard is nothing. Life is a impossible mystery. Don't know why I'm living, don't know why I'm waking up, don't know why every planet is a perfect circle, don't know why pizza taste so good but so bad for you, don't know why I wake up crying, don't know why we have to die. I just know, I wish I was on the other side. I think the truth is there. I think peace is there too.
Im trying. Well, making it up as I go along. There is this one thing I want to acheive. But I would have to climb Mt. Everest to get it. Climb a mountain of fear. Only time will tell. I just hope I have enough sand in my hourglass.