Re: I'm lost. I want to be free
But it appears that your perception of your face, as ugly, has already consumed you. You attribute much of your depression to the fact that you are not beautiful, and you seem to believe that in this hedonistic, materialistic world, beautiful people have no reason to be depressed. It seems that this concept of vanity is something your mind continually focuses on, and therefore it controls you.
I understand why not attracting the opposite sex is a hard on you. You feel doomed and predestined to be alone.. You feel that you are missing something so many take for granted. You want to feel loved, but you never will be loved unless you love yourself first.
I think you sound like a very smart guy, with a beautiful, but very complicated mind. My life has never been enriched from a personís appearance, but many minds have touched and influenced my life. I would be your friend. I feel we could have conversations and probably find mutual interests. No matter what you looked like I could be your friend, but you probably would never give me that opportunity.
I find that helping people fills me like a cup. Kids mostly. Can you imagine a day where you spoke to depressed teenagers about beating depression? Your understanding of it and the way you can convey it will touch anyone that is dealing with depression or has ever been depressed. And if you are really as different looking as you say you are then you will send the message even more. There is a need for you. You are not worthless.
There is so much hard work for you to do. Are the fear, anxiety, and depression pieces your Everest? Could you ever forgive yourself for becoming who you are?