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Old 04-12-2005, 05:04 PM   #16
Man Apart Man Apart is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2004
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Macsjuls, say that 3 times fast. I think I read too much into people's names sometimes. Cos of my condition I guess. I see MacsJuls and it makes me think theres a lucky guy there name Mac with a girl name Julie. Onething I like about the boards is, everyone is judged by the content of their character, and their words. We paint ourselves on a canvas, and find beauty in it somehow. I always said, I'd have tons of friends, if noone ever had to see me. I'm very sorry if I painted something you didn't want to see or read. Your right, I don;t know you but I'm deeply sorry for whatever has plagued you in your life, whatever questions you have unanswered, and for wherever place you shouldn't be. Your right, everyone has a purpose. Not everyone's purpose is to be happy, successful, rich, smart, healthy, beautiful, and strong. Theres two sides to every coin. Some of us has to be heads, some of us has to be tails. I don't know what my purpose is, maybe it is to suffer, and be lonely, I dunno, but I know what it isn't. None of the above. I have to suffer, so the world can determine what is happiness. I have to be ugly, so the world can determine what is beautiful. Someone has to be the butt of every joke. Someone has to be the helpless little kid in the back of the classroom. I'm here to help people feel better about themselves. To appreciate what the are and what they have and what they look like, and to thank God theyre not me. What was the purpose of my ancestors back in the old days. Whats the purpose of a sheep trapped in the glare of a blod thirsty wolf. Whats the purpose of anything, it all ends the same.

Star, be patient with your husband. There is nothing more difficult than telling someone very close to you, the raw, honest, candid truth about how we feel. You think for one second I'd let my mother read any of this? lol. You just can't sometimes. Can't give it away. Especially not to someone you love and who cares for you. Don't want to be a burden. I suffer alone. It got me. But I'm not going to let it get to my family. Hardest thing I ever went through in my life was listening to my mother crying next to my hospital bed, asking me why I ingested a bottle of pills. I felt so much guilt laying there, my family all around me. Not because I took the pills. But because I didn't die. A bottle of trazadone didn't do much except give me the worst stomach ache in my life and made me so drowsy I could barely open my eyes to blink.

Rfus, seeing as Im not the brightest person in the world, you'll have to explain to me what young John keats meant. He died very young. I ******d his name last night and just read alot of his writings. He was a very interesting person. So far as loving myself? I dunno. Theres nothing to love. Otherwise, someone would. I wouldn't hate myself so much if the world didn't give me every reason to.

I think ive spewed enough venom for today. But, I can't express my gratitude for the encouraging words and for taking the time. Thank you for letting me empty some of this overflowing sack of potatoes.