Hi there- I've been walking around thinking about your posts for a few days(see what effect we have on each other?!) and I'm curious to know if there's one main thing in your life that is at the root of your troubles- is your ugliness? (your words) Is there anything in life that could be fixed that would make you say"now I can cope"? I ask because in my life it's my physical health- everything comes down to "if only I was well I could cope with this" I sympathise with your feelings of ugliness which seperates you from the world. I grew up feeling this way and when I look back I see images of myself with bad hair, bad clothes, a submissive attitude etc all because I cut myself off from fashions and normal things of the day as I felt they didn't include me- I was in a club of one. I also look back and think"how could I have let whoever treat me like that/be talked into doing that...well, it was because I felt grateful if anyone even spoke to me so felt I had to be "nice" all the time. Can't be ugly and a b**ch, hey?! I never left the house with my head up and spent all my time outdoors scanning the streets for my next assailant. Quentin Crisp also lived like that if you've ever read The Naked Civil Servant. Life has improved now and I "just" have my health screwing me up. The Phantom of the Opera also felt "without the pale of humanity" due to his ugliness. (not that I'm assuming you look like him!)
Take care Rod. Teresa.