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Old 04-13-2005, 06:19 AM   #20
macsjuls macsjuls is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Michigan
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Re: I'm lost. I want to be free

Quote:
Originally Posted by Man Apart
Macsjuls, say that 3 times fast. I think I read too much into people's names sometimes. Cos of my condition I guess. I see MacsJuls and it makes me think theres a lucky guy there name Mac with a girl name Julie...........I always said, I'd have tons of friends, if noone ever had to see me. I'm very sorry if I painted something you didn't want to see or read. Your right, I don;t know you but I'm deeply sorry for whatever has plagued you in your life, whatever questions you have unanswered, and for wherever place you shouldn't be. Your right, everyone has a purpose........ Whats the purpose of anything, it all ends the same.
Man Apart,

I had to chuckle.....again without really knowing me....you come up with a close analization of my name. In actuallity....it should "read" that way. In reality....it signifies who I've become.....who I feel that I've become. You've talked before of "slavery".....this is mine. It is not pretty....not what I envisioned life with a man to be anyways.....but it has become my life in spite of my protests.....my tears.....my pain.

I too, sometimes, believe my purpose in this life is to suffer. I've gotten pretty darn good at it over the years, as a matter of fact. It has become to easy to just lay down and let what feels like a slow death take over. How sad. But if I was to be real honest with myself, I would have to admit that some/alot of this "darkness" is of my own hand. I also know, that if I could summon up some of the "spunk and guts" I used to possess so many years ago, I could probably change things. This is not how I really want to spend the rest of my life.

I do, however, possess some sort of belief that things will/may get better. And I also know that there really is more to my life than just the "hole" I spend the majority of my time in. I believe that we are in control of our own destiny. It is up to us to shape it....mold it.....set it up.....and fulfill it.....THIS (I believe) is our purpose. And in all honesty.....you don't have to be beautiful, rich, popular, or well-educated to do it. You just have to be strong. It's too easy to succumb to self-pity, to just throw you're hands up in the air and surrender to the slights of this world. But how long can one really function in "this place"? If you think about it....we are not weak. We've chosen to see ourselves that way.....but we are fighters.....we are strong. This "hell" isn't for sissy's. If it was.....you and I would no longer be here.

As for you and your words.....yes, you have touched on my pain....written of it in ways I never could. No need to appologize, for you have also opened my eyes to it. Sparked in me something that has not been there for a while. Not quite sure what.....a desire maybe......a flicker of determination to keep up the fight for myself? Could this be your purpose? To be the "eyes and voice" of/for others? A powerful purpose if it is..........

mj