Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Vancouver, BC
| | Severe depression over adoption
My reign of control over my depression, and the subsequent new outlook on life, came to a sudden halt about a week ago.
My ex-girlfriend gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, my son, and opted to give him up for adoption. Throughout her pregnancy, I was clear that I didn't want her to do so, and would like to have custody of our child myself, if she didn't want him. She refused, threating me with legal action if I didn't comply with the adoption.
The whole matter was already causing me a great deal of stress, and so I finally realized that I was backed into a corner and consented to the adoption. When I went to the hospital and held my son for the first time, though, I was enveloped by a great upset about giving him away, when I so desperately want him, and a deep loathing for my ex, who forced me into such a position.
The adoption is an open one, so I'm allowed contact with the adoptive parents and, eventually, him, and I will be allowed to see him on occasion. I've made it clear throughout my contact with the adoptive parents that I am not in favour of the adoption and, so, would like as much contact with my son as they are willing to give. I spoke to the adoptive father a couple of days ago, though, and he told me that my ex has called him several times this week and it's been very pleasant, because she simply asks how the baby is doing, how he's eating and if he's adjusting okay. As if hearing about my ex's relationship with them and the child wasn't hurtful enough to me to hear, he told me that him and his wife find it very stressful when I call and constantly ask when I can see my son again. He told me that he is aware of my desire and will do his best, so I don't have to keep bringing it up. He said he'd much rather I called with the same frame of mind as my ex. I promised I wouldn't mention it again, and, to be fair, I did call with concern for how my son was doing and only asked when I could see him again as a parting comment.
Now, I resent being compared with my ex, first off, and secondly, she obviously isn't as interested in seeing our son as I am. Also, she is happy about the adoption and I'm not. I hate having to sit by and hope and pray that I see my son soon.
I miss my son like crazy, and I've been going through a depression worse than I've ever been through before. I haven't been crying, but I've been feeling like a balloon is inside me, filled to the maximum, and is pressing against my insides. I can't eat much or sleep very long, and I'm constantly thinking of ways I can somehow get him back.
I'm meeting my ex on Tuesday, with her new boyfriend of all people, because she wants to talk to me, and I'm afraid that I'm just going to start verbally assaulting her for what she has, and still is, putting me through, and how dare she make this decision by backing me into a corner and manipulating me so. I want to tell her that I hate her for taking my baby away from me and denying me the right to even have a discussion with her about me having custody. I don't care if her boyfriend is there...I just want to let her have it for the 8 months of s*** and h*** she put me through and all the misery she has caused me. The truth is that I still have feelings for her, but those are drowned out right now by my feelings of malice and resentment for her rendering my control over the child invalid and denying me the right to have a say in his fate.
I know that I should be pleasant and that my getting upset will probably result in her leaving, as I plan on doing if she uses the time to insult me, but I've been unable to see her for so long, and there's just so much that I want to tell her about what I think of her, and especially where I think her new boyfriend can go as far as I'm concerned.
A few people have suggested that, perhaps, it's better for me if I simply forget about the child and try to move on with my life, because it's obviously affecting me badly and preventing me from moving forward. I don't want to do so, though, not just because I would sooner die than not spend as much waking time as I possibly can with my son, but also because I don't want my ex-girlfriend to spend more time with him than I do. I'm already worried enough that she'll get more time with him, because she's his mother. F*** that, I say...I cared and worried and loved him more than she did during the beginning of her pregnancy. I don't think she seems to realize, in her selfish mind, that I love our son and would have been a great parent to him.
I don't consider the people who have him to be his real parents, although I would never share that feeling with him or with them.
Should I see her on Tuesday and, if so, should I bring somebody as well? What should I do regarding how I'm feeling about the baby and the whole situation?
[This message has been edited by writerboybc (edited 08-24-2003).]