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Old 12-07-2005, 02:47 PM   #4
ariel_ascending ariel_ascending is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2005
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Re: Anyone Want To Play Connect The Dots With My Problems?

WOW......i can TOTALLY relate to you. i have many of the same problems: i HATE talking on the phone, i rarely ever call people and get nervous when i do, i'm very shy especially in large groups, i procrastinate all the time!!! <---when i read that, i was like oh my God.....i actually am on the verge of losing a scholarship bc i never turned in some essays (i would start and then get flustered and not want to do it and then quit) and my GPA has dropped!!!

i was reading on the internet yesterday about procrastinating, and this one article listed some reasons that really hit home for me: fear of being evaluated, tying your actions and performance to self worth, fear of success, and resentment or trying to assert your independence by choosing NOT to fulfill your duties. that last one is EXACTLY how i feel about procrastination. i resent that i have to do all that work, it seems so meaningless, so i convince myself it's stupid and not worth it. or else i worry about it and feel guilty for weeks and then end up not doing it anyway. its a vicious cycle.

i don't feel asexual like you, on the contrary i REALLY want to find someone. its really embarrassing to admit, but i develop intense crushes on people. i live more in my mind and fantasies that real life. but i have never had a boyfriend even though i'm pretty attractive and can be outgoing at times. i'm terrified of intimacy and i don't know how to act in relationships. i HATE it. i feel so lonely. and the worst thing is that its a self imposed lonliness...

i also hate change and like to keep to a schedule bc it makes me feel safe, like i at least have SOME control over my life. i'm afraid to go out on a limb and interact with people bc its too scary for me. i'd rather live my boring, lonely, safe life.

i had one pretty close friend but we're growing apart. its wierd, after awhile i find little nitpicky things that i dont like about people, and i start to feel like i dont like them and its not worth being friends with them. and so i withdraw, leading me to have no friends!!

i'm afraid of growing up too. i have alot of little everyday errands i should have done along time ago but i haven't done them. its really self destructive bc i never get anything done and as a result i'm in a constant state of guilt and stress...

i dont like interacting with people. i am also really intimidated by authority figures (probably related to my abusive father).

the thing you said about snoring reminded me of an incident when i was around 5. i was in a car with my mom and grandma and they were talking and i got so upset and said "be quiet! i'm trying to yawn and i need to concentrate! i can't yawn with you talking!". it kind of alarmed them and my grandma was like "her dad was the same way when he was younger", and my dad is a little crazy so....the implication is that i'm like him. i've always been extremely irritable and sad. my mom thought i was autistic when i was younger but i've never been tested. if i had to choose, i would say i am definitely major depressive with social anxiety and possible avoidant personality disorder (which is more serious unfortunately). i really want to be evaluated by a therapist so i can know FOR SURE what i do have. the last and only therapist i went to thought i was ADD which was SOOO wrong, i was a little antsy and intimidated in that situation, and it was hard to verbally express myself bc i wanted him to understand me and HELP me with the pain. it was anxiety related, not ADD!! ugh. that scares me also, that i wont be able to find a good therapist who really "gets" me. i'm so afraid of being misdiagnosed.

anyway, i dont have much advice to offer you. i just thought our similarities were really striking. i'm sure i'll think of more things after i post this lol

anyone else out there who can relate?