zusanna

Hi everyone! I haven't been here for a long time. I had an ED and at my lowest point was barely over 90 pounds @ 5'1". I'm now 105 and look MUCH better and feel alot better now too. I finally felt like I had a normal relationship with food again, and even got to the point where I just didn't even think about what I ate anymore. But here just recently it's like it's coming back again. I felt like I was eating really bad, so I deciding as my new years resolution I would start eating healthier. I started substituting alot of things for healthier foods. Like for example, instead of having baked chips w/ my sandwich for lunch, I have baby carrots or a small side salad. And I know baked chips aren't bad in the first place, but I felt bad for eating them because I knew I "should" be eating fruits or veggies instead. It's like the obsession is coming back again....about food, calories, fat grams. I finally felt like I was getting over that and now it's coming back again! How do I stop it? I also recently got a scale again. My mom got a new one and she gave me her old one. I've been weighing myself twice a day....I know a BIG no-no! And I always weigh 105 in the morning, but this morning I weighed 106 and I freaked. That is when this all occured to me, that it's getting out of control again. Also, yesterday I found myself sitting there obsessing about what I had eaten, adding calories in my head, and worrying about if I had eaten too much. That is something I haven't done in awhile. How do I stop this? I have even caught myself thinking about losing a few pounds and I know I don't need to. According to most height-weight charts, I should weigh 108-121 pounds at 5'1" (small framed), so really I'm still a few pounds underweight. I don't feel like it though. There are even days I feel almost fat. I'm scared that my ED will come back, and I don't want it too!! Life has been SO great without it. I think the BIGGEST culprit of all of this is all this talk here recently about dieting, eating healthy, and losing weight because of new years. It's everyone's new years resolution and it's all you see on TV and in magazines. I think it made me feel guilty because I wasn't eating so healthy, well not as healthy as I could have been, and I wanted to "join the crowd". But I know I need to remind myself that I'm not like everyone else, that I had an ED, and I'm still recovering from that. I shouldn't eat absolutely perfect (which I don't anyway, but feel guilty about it), and I definently should steer clear of dieting. For me, those things are very triggering and I begin that downward spiral again. I just want to give up the guilt, counting cals, obsessing about food....just all of it! I was doing so good, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks again. Please help! I need some reassurance and advice. I need help getting out of this rut!