thank you to you both for your replies.
Coffeegirl your post was very sweet, i can imagine how hard what you went through must of been. You expect your parents to protect you and to be the strong figures in your life growing up, and when that stability goes, you feel so lost.
i know underneath theres no real advice that can be given in thi situation, but will take what you said onboard as regards myself.
thinking of you too,