| | No Hope, No Peace
What happens when there is no hope left. There is no where else to turn. Everyday is the same day. The same feelings. The same dread. I have no idea what life is or what its suppose to be. Especially for someone like me, with no gifts, or talent. Im not blessed with looks or personality or charisma. Life hasnt been too kind. I got trapped somewhere, some place dark a long time ago. Ive been there ever since. I hate myself. So intensely. I cant stand the sight of my own shadow or reflection from the mirror. What I am going through is beyond my understanding and way beyond my control. Life is short. I wish it was shorter.
I exemplify the meaning of lost. Because in my life right now thats all I am. I know what I want. Im just too stupid to realize I cant have it. And somehow I keep chasing my own tail. Round and round I go, it never stops, no reason to know. I dont have anyone. No friends, no family, noone to talk to. I keep the radio on all day just so I can feel Im not alone. Silence is the worst. Oh I never want to be left alone with my own thoughts. My own misery.
I have to keep in mind that there have been people before my time and after my time that have suffered greater. But to each their own hell it really isnt a condolence to me. Having a terminal disease wouldnt be so bad right now. I have nothing to live for. I wonder if there is someone out there like me. Who just realize they have nothing to offer the world, and nothing the world can offer them. And just have absolutely no purpose in life other than waiting to die. Because thats all my life is, just waiting til everything goes dark forever.
I pity my mother. She had no idea the atrocity that came from her body. Part of it is my fault. Forgive me mother. Part of it was the abuse. I was weak. I was hated. I was young and vulnerable. And I couldnt overcome it. I could have been a good man. I wished to be. Im just a product of my enviroment. The results of what happens when you destroys someones dignity and heart. When your entire being is just destroyed.
Ive taken many drugs. Ive had years of counselling. But I realize there is no cure for a man with no soul. Ive lost everything within me that matters. I look and the mirror and realize I am the worst of everything. A ugly man that noone can love. Talentless. No passion for life. Just nothing there. As blank as my stare. I may as well not even cast a reflection in the mirror. There is just nothing left of me.
I envy the normal. I just wish for one day I could live as someone else. Just for that day to feel what its like. Not to suffer. Not to be ugly. Not to be lonely. Id give anything. I wonder if there is anyone here that could describe it to me. From the moment you wake up, to the moment you fall asleep. Whats it like. Having a spouse. Children. A life. A purpose. A soul. Is it everything I ever dreamed it could be? What does it feel like to be embraced by a loved one? To be around your family on birthdays and holidays. To see your childs eyes filled with joy and promise. I live in mental poverty. Sanity slowly slipping away because my severe envy for a life of my own is causing my breakdown.
All I have is tears. They fall and fall. And it doesnt mean a thing. They serve no purpose. They just fall. Endless streams. This is my life. But I cant accept it. So I suffer. And suffer. The headaches, the misery, the constant anxiety. The loneliness. The darkness. Always there. Follows me in my dreams. Shows me terrible things. I like to pretend. Like im normal. Talking to a empty room. Pretending I have friends and were having fun. Pretending I have a son and Im throwing him a baseball and chasing him around. Id rather be awaken from a child crying in the middle of the night in their crib, than myself crying in my bed realizing I just woke up to this nightmare of a life I have. I lay in bed, squeezing my pillow, trying my very best to imagine what it would feel like to embrace someone you love. To hold someones hand. To kiss. Imagine life without those things. Is there really any other purpose to live. There wont be any wedding bells for me. No screaming children needing me. No friends to confine in. No life. No joy here. A normal average life couldnt be anymore unattainable for me. Just a 28 year old man staring at a future of more suffering, more misery, and more lonliness.
I talk to myself all the time. Convoluted conversations that always end up with no answers and no resolutions. What are you? What happened to you? Is it all my fault. Or is it really how the world sees you and has treated you. Im sorry. Im sorry. I had so many dreams. Im sorry. Forgive me for being weak. Forgive me for not being stronger. But I cant change how the world sees me and I cant make anyone love me. The lonliness cuts through me so deep. I fell in this hole so long ago. Is there truly no way out. No hope for me? I dont really believe in miracles. And I dont believe in you. Your gone, and i cant bring you back. I lost you. I remember you were happy once. I squandered my life. Im in prison serving life. What can you do now. Is it already too late. So much fear. You have so much fear. So much anxiety. Where does it all come from? Is there anything left. I do love you. I do. Im sorry that I hated you so much and for so long. It was because I could not understand you. It was because you were different and ugly and everyone else hated you. I believed them. My skin was so thin, I let them all carve me like bread. Abuse me. Gave me every reason to hate myself. I wish I didnt have to be me. Ugly. Black. Insignificant. Unintelligent. Overweight. No self worth. All the essential ingredients for a miserable, lonely failure. I was born this way. There is no cure for it. I was born in a world where I can never find peace.
Last edited by Multiple Man; 07-06-2006 at 02:33 PM.