Anyone have a TRUE fear of being around society like me?
OK, i'm about to reveal my truest feelings. I am only doing so because i really don't have anyone to talk too. Well, i do but "normal" people that i can talk too like my family just wouldn't have any symphathy for the reason i am depressed. I did not mention friends because i lost all of them due to my issue. I would be curious to know if anyone feels the way i do or even something remotely close to it. I seriously doubt it. Most people with some type of anxiety are still able to maintain some type of friendships, have girlfriends, etc etc. I am not one of them.
But anyways, here's a quick snapshot of why i am depressed:
I fear people. I don't know why. Maybe it's because i am constantly evaluating and comparing and i always judge myself and others and i just don't like what i see in the mirror. But i really think it's more than that. I've been depressed or having this fear of people for about 8 years now. I am in my early 30's and let me just clarify that i wasn't always like this. I had very close friends, had girlfriends, and had a "normal" social life before this issue hit me. And that is the more reason why i am baffled and bitter that my mindset has become the way it is. I pretty much lost all of my very close friends because i simply was afraid to be around them. And i'm talking about friends i had since the age of 6. Friends who were really close to me.
People want to do things that make them feel comfortable. Unless of course if it's a job or things that must be done in life. But in general, people would rather avoid situations that make them competely stressed out. But for me, being outside of my home and in the world makes me feel stressed out. So i instinctively don't want to go outside because that would make me feel stressed out. And that is the reason why i am bitter towards society and it's because society makes me feel uncomfortable.
I know that i have a fear of people. I know that i feel like a complete loser around people and i don't know how to act. I have been trying to avoid social situations since my early 20's. So in a sense, my social skills have never developed past my early 20's. Actually, even a kid is more mature than me because they are able to relax around people and maintain some dignity without appearing like he's completely afraid of the situation. And for the last 8 years or so, my sole job has been to try to not look afraid and that stresses me out. Why am i so afraid? I do not know. But i do know that i am and i have to use every ounce of my inner energy JUST to try to appear normal.
I am bitter towards society because i see pretty much everyone else being able to relax out in public. When they are at a market, they just look at the food they want to buy. When i'm at the market, i'm just worried about buying things as soon as possible so i can get the heck home and be alone. It's stressful. Again, when you're reading this, i'm sure you think i'm pathetic. And i say to you, "Yes, you are so correct". But guess what, this is me and i have tried to change my mentality for 8 years. I can't shake it. If there was something TANGIBLE i can do to change it, i would've done it. Nothing i tried has helped. I've tried all sorts of religions.
You know, if God or the Devil or any other higher being ever told me that they were just pulling a prank on me and they would give me my "normal" mind back and that they just wanted to see how stressed out a person can get for absolutely no legitamite reason, i would say, "I knew it". I'm really baffled as to why i got this way. But i do think that having this type of fear, bitterness, and anger for 8 years has permanently done damage to my mind. I think i am beyond the point of return. Sort of like a lung that is charred from too much smoking? It's just too late to fix it.
Well, that's me in a nutshell. If you actually read this far you know more about my truest feelings than anyone has ever known.