Hmm, this sounds like me a bit perhaps...in what way does your bf express his anger? Does he take his annoyance/irritation and blown up anger out on you? Do little things you do personally cause him to be angry or is it more outside things and you just unfortunately happen to be the person he expresses how he feels to?
Is he emotionally abusive towards you? Not physically as you've said, which is good, but any emotional mistreatment is still not good at all.
I am your bf in this scenario, as I think I do similar things to my partner, and have for years. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with negative feelings and anger and annoyance at little things combined with existing stress in my life becomes out of control anger, and I tend to blow up at my partner because basically I feel most comfortable with her and she's the closest person to me.
Sadly for her.
I hate myself afterwards and feel so guilty and like I don't know myself or who I am, and I feel out of control, but see, I agree with what you said about your bf saying he can't help it but you think he could try harder. This is exactly right.
I, coming from the point of your bf in terms of anger, agree with you that he CAN try harder. It is NOT uncontrollable and he CAN help it. He is just indulging in his anger because it feels better (at that point) to get it out, no matter the result.
I personally KNOW I can control it because I have never been physically violent or abusive, I have thrown things but never at anyone or in any place where anyone might be hit, and I have damaged things, but never my partner's property because I respect it. (because I respect her, although my behaviour at these times does not show this) So obviously I AM in control even during this seemingly most out of control time.
Why I don't choose to stop it or deal with it differently or just walk away, I do not know honestly. I have thought about it enough. I think it's just plain indulgence. I am already feeling terrible to be in this pre-anger mood anyway, I'm stressed and upset or tense and then something happens that makes me feel worse and "pushes me over the edge"...but I don't HAVE to let myself go over the edge, and yet I do, because as I already feel so bad and stressed, it makes me feel relieved to blow up and get it out.
Afterwards I feel 100 times worse than before because of the pain I've caused, but I think also I have the excuse that during my angry outbursts, I feel that my partner doesn't care about me. I often say this during my angry things...I THINK I feel it but I'm not sure.
I think it's just because I am so angry that I can't feel anything much myself, so I project that coldness/emptiness/lack of love I am feeling at the time onto her, and say she doesn't care about me or love me (and this is confirmed to myself when I see she is angry and/or defensive at me...which is understandable since I'm behaving so horribly, but to me at the time it just seems like she's against me and doesn't love me) and then use that as an excuse to express the anger. I think, if she doesnt love me, then (a) my anger won't affect her or hurt her cause she doesn't care anyway, and (b) how dare she not love me? I can express (direct) my anger at her because she doesn't love me. She deserves it because she's hurt me by not loving me.
When really, it's got nothing to do with her at all. I once blew up at her for accidentally squirting soy sauce at me. A tiny drop got on my jeans and I exploded and said she did it on purpose. Then I threw a chair. (sort of. It was too heavy to throw really. I'm not very strong)
Another time she accidentally stepped on my foot and I exploded again then too...and yet I KNOW (and I knew at the time too) she didn't mean to do either of those things, and yet...why did I behave like this? Because I was already tense/not happy and then it got too much and here I had a release/excuse to express it...*shrug*
Sorry to blab on! I just wanted to see if I could shed some light on your bf's side, NOT that I am on it! I also thought you could see you're not alone in having to deal with this...and mostly, that yeah, he CAN help it. Don't ever become downtrodden and have your comfort level, spirit/soul and real personality diminished by his behaviour/anger and come to believe it's just the way he is. Cause it isn't.
Unless you actually have a total chemical inbalance, EVERYONE can control their behaviour.