what a relief to find this post board, this morning the computer beckoned and i couldnt log on fast enough. To read other mothers stories, to share the pain, to know that i am not the only one drowning in hurt, not the only one whose child unexplainably went to sleep and didnt wake up.
My son Taj Lewis was the best thing that ever happened to me, the brightest ray of sunshine, the happiest, funniest little creature who brought so much joy to so many people. He passed over, 18 days after his first birthday. He was a strong, solid, healthy little prince who was never sick. I thought he was passed the danger zone of sids, i even said to a fellow mum that we didnt have to worry about sids anymore...
I miss him so much. I wish with every fibre of my being that i could hold him again, kiss him again, change his poohy nappy, have him wake me up in the morning calling out "drink drink", share breakfast with him, stroke his soft cheeks, look into his eyes and behold all t he secrets of the universe.
How are we ment to go on now? How are we supposed to want the sun to rise and set, for time to pass, for it to be a month, a year, since we last held our precious children, how can the world keep turning when it has stopped for us?
It is for Taj that i can keep on going. Taj revealed the true beauty of life to me. Things you cant learn from books. you learn about love and selflessness from children, they show us how amazing and interesting things are that our adult minds would just pass over. So it is for him, with him that i can greet the day. It is when my heart is light, when i can smile that ifeel him close to me. And it is in the darkest, saddest, painful moments when he feels so far away.
Thanky0u all for sharing your pain. Pain i can deal with, its sympathy that scares me. Its maybe weird but i get comfort from sharing the pain with people who have experienced the same thing. I dont like to be reassured that he's in a better place, that time will heal, all that comfort crap, i dont want to be comforted, i want to share my pain. And i want to share him, my Taj, my Boomie Little who is a part of me and who will always be a part of me.
Take care and go forth in light and love