Originally Posted by kirsten07
My boyfriend has a problem with controling his anger. He gets very angry at small things and can get irritated easily. He isnt abusive, but he gets so angry alot and it is causing problems in our relationship. I know if he could control his anger better, our relationship would be going perfect. He admits he has trouble with controling his anger but he says theres nothing he can do about it and its just the way he is and he has tried to control it but he just cant. Well i dont think he tries hard enough. Does anyone have any advice for me? I love him we've been together 8 months but this is ruining our relationship and my happiness. I want to help or get him help i just dont know how i can help or where to start. I would really appreciate some advice.
I grew up with a father that had a temper and we never knew what kind of a mood he would be in when he got home. He was verbally abusive, shouted and yelled when he got angry and I remember feeling apprehensive and nervous a lot of the time. Even though I knew he loved us very much, the other side of his personality made it a very unhappy home to live in most of the time. My mom would tell him how upset it made her, but nothing ever changed until he was diagnosed with cancer and was dying.
Well, guess what. I wound up marrying a man that also had a temper. (The cycle repeated itself- just like they say!!) I had no idea while we were dating that he had a temper, because he never lost his temper until after we got married. After we got married, he began yelling and using profanity when he got angry and it could be over the slightest thing. He had very little patience and would sometimes break things when he got angry. He has twice made a hole in the wall from punching his fist through a wall. He was always VERY SORRY, and I kept on making excuses in my mind for him and believing him when he said it woudn't happen again. I told him how I felt when he did that , but all the talk in the world NEVER changed our situation. I was reliving the same nightmare my mother went through. When you live with someone that has a temper, (and by the way, even if they never hit you), if they yell and scream, and/or use profanity, it is called verbal and emotional abuse!! Abuse does not discriminate, it occurs in all ethnic backrounds and to all socio-economic walks of life. It steals and robs it's victim of joy and peace. As time goes on, the abuse will get worse, as the abuser learns that he or she can get away with it. As long as you continue in the relationship while it is going on, you are enabling the situation. Since you are not married to this man, my advice is to RUN AWAY FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!!! Do NOT think you can help him or change him. Do not continue a relationship with someone that will only cause you much pain in your life. I can guarantee you, if you stay with him, you will become more and more unhappy as time goes on. Not only that, but think about bringing children up in a home exposed to this. I can guarantee you that they will become victims of abuse as well.
My situation did not change until I was married for almost 19 years and it was only when I learned through therapy not to put up with it any more. All the words in the world did not change his actions. It was only when my actions, (leaving the house and him knowing I would leave for good) if it didn't stop, plus him going for counseling healed the situation.
BUT, what I want to emphasize to you is that IF I KNEW before I married him that he had a temper, I would have NEVER MARRIED him!! He caused so much unhappiness in my life due to his angry outbursts that it robbed me of much joy. When you live with someone with a temper, you feel like you are walking on eggshells. After a while, you realize you can never have an honest open relationship out of fear that they may get angry about something. Even though our situation has changed, his temper damaged my trust, respect and love for him. I stayed because of religious convictions about marriage, but if I had to do it all over again, I would have left. I feel like I lost 20 years of my life and I deserved better and you do too!!!!
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't ruin it by settling for someone that will never be able to make you happy. A person is on their best behavior when they are dating....... I guarantee you it will get worse. Don't make excuses for his behavior, that is called enabling. Also, don't ever think you can change someone. That is very unhealthy and you will wind up in a vicious cycle. Please look up on the internet about verbal and emotional abuse and begin reading about it. You don't deserve to be treated in an unrepectful manner EVER!!!!!!!!!!