Join Date: Sep 2006
Sad, angry, confused.........
Hi. I am new to these boards and I am having severe marriage problems. This is going to be long, but I really need to get it all out.
My husband and I will have been married for 18 years at the end of next month. We met when I was 21 and he was 26. He knew both of my brothers and played baseball with them. We were engaged after only 3 weeks of knowing eachother, and married 14 months later. It all just felt really right, and I still have no regrets.
We currently have two children, a 16 year old daughter and a 14 year old son. They both mean the world to me and we have an unbelievably wonderful relationship.
Over the years my DH and I have had the normal ups and downs expected in marriages. We have had our share of fights over money, family, and raising the kids. The past couple of years, the fighting has become more frequent and more severe. I think the reason for the increase is due to the fact that in the past, I wouldn't always stand up for myself, and lately, I have become much more firm in what I want and what I believe in.
He isn't a bad person. He has always been the main bread winner and a very hard worker. When the kids were young, I worked parttime, but for the past 6-7 years, I work fulltime as well.
He has never been physically abusive, but he can be verbally abusive in defence to someone getting angry or upset with him. For example, he will come down really hard on our DD just because she doesn't seem as close to him as she was when she was a little girl. He doesn't even try to understand what a teenager might be going through, and when he doesn't get the response or reaction he is looking for, he gets really upset. This has caused our DD to not want to have much to do with him.
I am much more open and understanding to the behaviour of our children. They are both amazing individuals, with good heads on their shoulders, and alot to offer the world. He knows this, but lets his anger get in the way all of the time.
Our DS, on the other hand, goes out of his way to try to keep his father happy. He is very sensitive to ppls feelings, and wants everyone to just get along. My DH and our DS play around together all of the time, like wrestle, play catch, etc...and they can be getting along really great, then one thing sets my DH off, and they are mad at eachother. I feel so sorry for our DS because I see the hurt that he feels after trying so hard. He shouldn't have to worry about these things.
Lately, my DH and I have been having MAJOR fights, with alot of name calling, etc...Unfortunately, it most always happens in front of the kids. I know this is wrong, but it is so hard when you are very upset and angry and it just happens. I hate myself after I respond to these situations. I really try to just ignore it but when I see my children upset about something he has said to them, I just lose it. We have solved things in the past through mature conversations and discussions, but it always comes back. I have suggested counselling many times and he flat out refuses. He says that he doens't have to tell anyone his personal problems. I told him that counsellors will help us DEAL with our feelings, anger and resentment towards eachother, because that is exactly what is happening, at least in my case, I am starting to resent him. We used to be so close and ppl used to tell us how happy we looked together, and they were right. After so many years of the same crap over and over again, I have lost all respect for him.
I know for a fact that he still loves me. I know that somewhere inside, I still love him too, but I put up this wall so that I am not disappointed over and over again. Some days, I am just angry and think it would be easier if we just separated. Other days, I am sad because I know he is a good person who just needs help dealing with his feelings. There have been days when my children ask me why I married him. That makes me so sad. They do love him but the fighting is getting to be too much.
He has accused me of turning the kids against him, but I told him that if I wanted to do that, all I had to do was sit back and let him do what he is doing. I intervene because I want the kids and him to have a great relationship. I want our kids to grow up and be able to tell ppl what a wonderful father they have.
I know that I have changed over the past cpl of years. I believe that I have been going through perimemopause. I have had problems with anxiety and also have severe mood swings at different times during the month. I do get angry at him alot for the way that he acts. It really bothers me that he isn't very supportive or understanding of what I am going through. When I get mad at him, he asks me if it is because of my "mental problem" again. This just really upsets me.
There is so much more I can tell you, but this is already way too long, and I could go on forever.
Does anyone have anything to say that could help me deal with all of this? I am just soooo confused.