Wow..sounds to me as if you're caught in a huge trap, and there's no way out of it; it's just got this hold of you and nothing in the world would let it go. you must be a strong woman to have gone all those years living this way.
i know there must have been good moments there too, but i'm sure most of the time, the bad ones prevailed. you posted here before, and after a few people wrote to respond to you, you made it seem as if things were okay, and you were just venting, that it was really no big deal, that you were just in a funk...i remember...but see?!! a good day does not outweigh 29 bad ones, friend!!!
in my opinion, YOU did enough over the years to "psych" yourself up for life; to try to feel better, to be understanding, to be there for the kids, for him, your husband, that is; to help with his business, and much more. YOU've done A LOT. i'm sure what you've done had helped you in lifting some of your suffering at the time it happened, but obviously it didn't last. those coping skills you've learned (and you have learned and used them), were only good enough for those times. however, one thing has to be considered here, and i think it's one of the most important ones to really, really think about.
when you're constantly surrounded by an environment like the one you're describing, the good stuff you've learned, all the coping, and all the optimism you've attained, will not survive. that type of environment will destroy anything good or positive in it.
i know people like your husband. we call them "toxic" people
, because their negativistic, venomous attitudes only darken everything in their paths and around them. they're controlling and domineering and they always know what's best. i'm really sad for you and i empathize (i know someone like that who's a very close family member).
". I do not want to talk to my sisters about this because it is embarrassing to start t his up again (it has been about 10 years since I last poured out on them) and they would just try and get me to do something like come to them which I already said I cannot do.
if your sisters would offer you some respite
from all this turmoil, why not take it for a while? plus, they may have some more ideas (since they know you better than we do on this board) as to what you can do about this whole situation. i have a sister who'd go miles to help me out if something happened to me. if your sister(s) helped you before, i'm sure they will understand you now, because remember, blood is thicker than water (in most cases).
"my husband would follow me there-find me eventually-and if not do something physical, he would make everyone's life a living hell
you know, my friend, this is complete and utter emotional and mental abuse here. if necessary (and let's say you will go to your sisters, and he will follow you and give you all a hard time by harrassing you, maybe even threatening you, etc.), there's alwyas a way of "coping' at hand in case of "emergencies"... all you have to do is call 911 and have an order of protection placed against him. but you have to be prepared, since he won't be allowed to come near you, otherwise he'd go to jail. please know that i'm not condoning this type of behavior. i'm just putting it out there, in case you become desperate and don't know what to do.
why keep pretending all is well? you know, world, we only have one chance to live, only one life here on this planet of ours. and like i said to someone else in another post, it's never too late to make it better for ourselves. it will be hard and difficult; there will be financial problems, loneliness, frustration, anger, bitterness at what's past and maybe lost, but, in the long run, it's all worth it. if you really, really want to improve your life, improve your circumstances, your surroundings, since that's what seems to be making you miserable more than anything else
. eliminate the toxic people from your life. you're strong and you're an optimist
. it can be done, world. really, it can. don't let fear, embarrassment, and the like stand in your way and push you harder into the corner, into that trap.
blessings to you