Just Frustrated and Confused
November 30, 2006
Frustrated to no ends. My in-laws are driving me crazy. They have my husband convinced that he can beat this sickness thing (cancer) if I just move out of his way and just allow him to eat. My husband now wants to cancel hospice care and go to visit with his doctor. His sister called me yesterday and wants to take him to another doctor. His mom is totally against not feeding him even though he cannot swallow even water. She ignores the nurse and she constantly comes into my bedroom at night felling my husband’s stomach, arms, legs, head and telling him to wake up he is sleeping too much and my mother-in-law wants to sleep at the foot of my bed on the floor in my room to watch over my husband. He finally took a larazapiem for anxiety and being just so overwhelmed with visitors this week and the arrival of relatives flying in tomorrow. He refuses to take anything that will make him sleep or feel any type of drowsiness. He only takes the pain meds that are absolutely necessary to help with his pain he has even reduced the dosage because he felt that he was taking too much even though he is still in pain. He now takes the dethamethasone for energy. He told the nurse yesterday that he had a hard time swallowing his boost shake because it make a lot of mucus and almost choked him. Today I have given total charge of his eating over to his mom. I told her that she could take over those tasks. She feels that solid food is best for him and that the only reason he has lost weight and is thin is because I don’t feed him. She just yelled the other day at him that he can’t die on her and what is she supposed to do if he dies. She started crying hysterically! I didn’t now what to say or do except to say that the sickness is what is making him weak. We can’t say the word cancer in my house because it is considered taboo. No one wants to call it by its monster name. The other sad thing in all this is that my husband still has not shared with anyone about his sickness but everyone has advice or suggestions to offer to him. He has lost all his weight and most of his muscle tissue. I could see his full skeleton structure outline of his body. He uses oxygen to breathe at night and he is winded after putting on his clothes. He almost fell backwards off the vanity chair in our bathroom two days ago but the back dresser drawer broke his fall I was glad he did not break a bone. Hospice ordered a chair and wanted to order a walker for him. No way are we having you walk with that thing his mom and brother shouts. The hospice truck arrived today with his chair with gripping handles. His mom laughed out loud and my husband agreed with her that the should send it back because he is not yet at that stage where he warrants that type of chair. I explained to the driver when I went outside that we are still in the denial stage even though his poor body is shutting down before my eyes. I am being tortured by him and the family now. I was asked by my husband today to place a call to his Oncologist because he needed to order blood work and possible get a blood transfusion. If he gets the transfusion this will give him a big boost in energy and my husband also wants to try to eat enough food to gain back all the weight that he has lost. It tore me up inside to agree with him. I phoned his doctor and explained to them the situation. I will have to pay for a possible doctor’s visit and labs before we end up canceling our hospice care. I was given a sheet by our hospice nurse as to what to expect next on the decline in my husband’s health last night. Am totally confused today since we are considering more possible treatments and cures. I am not against hope don’t get me wrong I am fighting until the bitter end. But I know for a fact that any chemo treatments at this time will probably kill him. He is extremely weak and can barely crawl out of bed he literally has no energy and is in a constant drain mode all day. There are so many people giving advise to him about his health that does not know the full story and he wants to chase after every suggestion. They are telling him that the doctors should be able to figure out why he can’t eat or drink anymore or why he is so fatigued all the time. Maybe I am the one with the problem. After all we have only been dealing with Stage IV NSCLC for over one year now. I need to have my head examined or something. I beginning to feel unwanted, misjudged and a complete outsider. We had a full blown private Mass at our home yesterday. My husband did confession with the priest and anointing of the sick on yesterday. It was a beautiful mass. The priest is new at our church and their specialty is dealing with terminal ill people. I filled the priest in on the details and he was very calm about everything. If my husband truly has very little time left, I would rather he spend some of it with his children. He has lost interest in the kids and spends very little time with them. The kids still do not know about his cancer.
I have no place to explode and rant and I am sorry for all this writing.
Please pray for my family and myself at this time. I will try my best to be a peaceful and spiritual person as best as I can during this most challenging time.
Thank you all for listening tonight.
Last edited by pjoi4; 11-30-2006 at 05:18 PM.