Thread: Aspergers
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Old 12-08-2006, 12:39 PM   #4
cheer up cheer up is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2003
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Re: Aspergers

Dear Gatsby Luvr -- Since you say you have Asperger's yourself, can you answer a couple of questions?

I am 99.9% certain a grown man I am involved with has AS, and his family knows and admits there has always been something different about him, but if they know it's AS they do not own up to it. Whatever it is, it's something related to the autism spectrum.

He and I have been dating for months now, and what I read on some message boards from partners of those with AS is that the partners feel disregarded, ignored, not talked to or understood often if at all. They feel totally alone in their relationships even with the AS person right there with them.

This is what I am experiencing and putting that into the mix with all the rest of the AS "signs" exhibited, I'm sure this is the situation in my boyfriend's case.

Anyhow, here's my big question -- even if people with AS do not or cannot express themselves well in conversation (though they are really bright) and seem emotionally UNinvolved with their closest ties, what is really in their minds?

I am considering whether to break things off with this man or not because, as others on the message boards have shared, it is not fun being in a relationship all by yourself. If I do break it off, will this man even NOTICE? Will he CARE and/or feel HURT in any way? Is his inability to connect well something he can't help at all or could he actually work on it and change a bit? Sometimes I see glimmers of hope, but then he goes back to his old ways.

I believe he is happy with me and I do like him, but I can't see myself continuing in something other than a casual friendship -- I just don't want to hurt him by suggesting we back off and behave as friends and see each other occasionally instead of every weekend.

He had serious alcohol problems in college and afterwards, and I truly think that was caused partly because the alcohol made him "fit in" better and made it easier for him to socialize and it got out of control. He had a horrible time of it per his family, and thank God got past it through family, friends and AA.

I sure don't want to put him into a tailspin now because he has been sober for many years, supposedly, and I have no reason to doubt that. So my question is, how much real "feeling" is inside that head of his and will I devastate him if I end the relationship as it currently stands? Or will he even really notice or care? If he is incapable of real emotion, what difference will it make.

Thanks -- you seem to have your life really together and I do think women, even with AS, probably handle everything better and make improvements because women in general are more in tune with their feelings and those of others.

Last edited by cheer up; 12-08-2006 at 12:42 PM.