| | ???? what the hell???????, long-sannah please read!
okay, im completley confused-like cannot understand or make sense or take control. i went to my freinds new yrs party, with just few others id known breifly at a club before. they were guys, but i had previously been drinking 5 smirnoffs, 2 beers, 3 v.strong shots and a baileys, and smoked at least 1 pack of fags already-and it was only 9:00. when we arrived at their house i was 'happy' but not wasted.
so this guy id known before-the one that i once started to kiss and then i he got really really disgusting,dirty and sleezy after 1/2 an hour-asking me to lick things. which i said no to and walked off, but alot of people thought it was weird and wasnt him, maybe he was just drunk.
anyway, i met this guy again there. he was nice again, we had lots in common,chatted and genuinely seems gentle. but we all were drinking, i was in my 'confident' mode by this stage aftre several more shots and 5 more beers and mix of vodka and some random stuff. i wasnt off my feet, no one really was, all conscious and able to walk straight within reason. anyways, we were sitting and he started rubbing my vagina but i was numb really from the drink. he rubbed for ages, but i just sat there. i didnt say no cos i didnt know what i was supposed to do. i thought that this happens-i mean im 18! i had nooo emotion whatso ever-not even arousal-why is this, i was just really spacy from, the drink but my mind was clear, i new what was happening! i decided then and there he was sleazy as i knew it and that no matter what he just wasnt getting anything(im a virgin and will be for a oig long time-itll be year before i ever give THAT to someone!). later he wanted me to come to bed with him, we were lying there and he kept trying to move down as we sat on a swing under covers, when he felt me getting tense or if i 'sarcastically' tried to bring his hands up again he said 'its ok im only stroking your tummy' and then he DID move up to my tummy at which point i shat myself as i rememebered id cut there-but it was all fading thankfully, but for some weird reason when he did this i went nuts almost, like shivvery and tense-
sannah & co-why when he touches my priavtes do i feel othing, just blankness and a vague sense of how stpudly wrong it is, but when he strokes my tummy do i go nuts???
every so often he tried to move down. he started kissing me and feeling me again as he was going to bed and tries to get mt come in, but told him no i wasnmt sleeping with him and to go to bed-he did.
then, this other guy who is very genuine and funny, we get on and have done for a while. he let me walk in his shoes once up a road when i was at a club cos i had sore feet and has carried me on occasions. we'd had a laugh all night, he kept trying to get the other guy away. we did. i was still tipsy as was he at this stage. we ended up sleeping together all night, but just chatting, he was nice. he asked if he could put his hands on me, never went-down there or up there, and asked if it was ok. kept me warm and all that. it was nice-but i wasnt sober. maybe its the drink coming on and mucking with the depression the next day but now even after that nice guy i feel disgusting and 'bad'. at the time it felt ok, i like being hugged i suppose, but in truth i felt numb emotionally, if i hadnt been so warm i could have just got up and walked again. now he's talking about 'our relationship'- something of which ive never had.im terrified, i feel like a bycycle and im soo wary of the nice guy just incase-he is soo genuine and we have really intellectual conversations-but theres always a doubt.
what im wondering is, with all this other stuff should i e doing this?? was this bad or wrong.why do i feel nothing were i was actually molested yet rabndom body parts make me uncomfortable??? im in the dark here, i actually dont know how to form a relationship thats healthy and until i know im trying to not have any or ill just get taken advantage of again-im furious for allowing that *** to feel me all over. should i ask my doc too??? sannah why is this so flippin hard??? i want them sorta to leave me alone now, its so much easier, but i dont wanna hurt the nice guy. is this just my depression changing like the wind or is it about the molestation?? please help, sorry its long, xox
My hands are small
But theyre not yours, they
are my own
But theyre not yours,
they are my own
And i am never broken