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Old 02-11-2007, 12:38 AM   #1
anon246 anon246 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 29
anon246 HB User
Unhappy Help me. I'm sick of this. I want it all to be over.

Okay I don't even know if this is worth posting, I feel so hopeless. I don't know if you'll be able to help me, but I'd love it if you tried.
Well .... where to start? I'm in 9th grade. My life is pathetic. I want to be the best I can be, but my weaknesses always get in the way. I wish had someone there to just keep me on track with all my goals. I want to depend on myself but I don't even trust myself anymore. I can't keep up with anything. My will power is gone. There's no point to life for me, not anymore. I'm still searching for a good reason. I want to let go but there's still a little part of me that wants to hold on. Whenever I've tried to talk to a friend about my issues, usually what I hear from them is "OMG are you like emo or something?". My parents have tried to understand but they can't when I don't tell them everything. They've given up on trying to understand. And I have identity problems I guess. Most of the decisions I make are based on what other people think. I don't want anyone to have a problem with me. I can't help this. At least I don't think I can. Everything I've tried has failed....
Well anyways, I'm on anxiety meds and anti depressants.
I think I'm balding. And yes I'm in 9th grade, but whenever I ask my parents if they think I'm balding they scream at me and say NO YOU'RE NOT STOP OBSESSING!! My parents get angry at me with all my depression and anxiety issues. I'm falling apart. I'm gay. I hate it. How do change being gay??? I know if I tell my family they'll hate me.
Another frustrating thing is my memory, its horrible. Ever since I've started anti depressants my memory has sucked. Its absolutely horrible. I hate it. And I don't even know if there's that much of a difference now that I'm on meds. I still feel reallly depressed and anxious. I've let go of most of my friends for security issues, plus a lot of people weren't really my friends.
I feel doomed. Like something bad is bound is bound to happen.
Or....I think I'm going insane sometimes.
Like I feel like there's a force that makes me do things.... like if I don't do these things something really bad will happen, like all my hair will fall out, or someone I love will die, or I will get hurt really bad if I don't do what the 'force' tells me to. I know it sounds crazy....like the force will tell me to put my head underneath a pillow for 30 seconds and then sit down on the couch for 75 seconds and be totally silent. And I'll do it because I'm afraid. I know it sounds insane....but I'm afraid.
All these things leave me very depressed. Life is not worth living when you don't enjoy it at all. In fact, I'm scared to keep living just because of all the things that are destined to happen to me.
I'm afraid to go to the store now even.....
I hide in the house as much as possible.
I'm afraid of my step dad. I don't know why.
My mom is having an affair and I'm the only who knows about it.
I was raised wrong.
Help me. Somebody. Advice please!!
And I don't want anyone to think I'm coming here for sympathy, just very desperate because I hate seeing myself this pathetic. My parents think I'm trying to get attention when I tell them all this stuff but that's not the truth at all! I have lots and lots of other problems but I can't even type all of them right now!!!
Please give me some advice!! Thanks all of you!

Last edited by anon246; 02-11-2007 at 12:40 AM.