View Single Post
Old 03-26-2007, 06:30 AM   #1
lostwanderer lostwanderer is offline
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: East Otto, NY USA
Posts: 16
lostwanderer HB User
Unhappy getting sick of "it will get better"

Ya know what? It doesn't get better. Its been a year and almost 5 months. I lost my husband at 33 to sclc. He died in my arms at home. A vision that will never leave my mind. Me putting his oxygen mask on his face and screaming and crying don't you leave me. You fight this. One minute he's sitting up talking to me and with a blink of an eye....he's gone. The last thing he said to me was "I love you". He was my best friend. My everything. The world revolved around him. When I lost him I lost myself...and haven't found me since.
You learn how to fake it around people. How to put on a smile and you're dying inside. The friends you thought you had...suddenly disappear into their own busy lives and you're left all alone. ALL ALONE. You get on your knees everynight in tears and beg God to take the pain away. But it doesn't go away.
If I hear one more time it will get better I might have to kill someone. You wander through the days waiting for the day to be over. One more day is one more day closer to Jeff. He had faith that could move mountains. Mine is slipping. Every day is like torture and no one ever understands. Then you start to think..what did I do wrong? Maybe I didn't do enough? What could I have done different? I loved him with all that I had, why isn't that enough?
I took care of him the last 2 months when he couldn't walk, he couldn't even make it to the bathroom. I did everything I possibly could do. I would do it all over again if I had to. But only for him.

I'm still fighting for his life insurance or I could lose my house. The thing he worked so hard for. You get tired of it all. I'm fighting for his integrity because he can't.
In November it will be a 2 years. So when exactly is it suppose to get better?? When??


I'm sorry...thanks for listening.......