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Old 03-26-2007, 04:59 PM   #4
lostwanderer lostwanderer is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: East Otto, NY USA
Posts: 16
lostwanderer HB User
Re: getting sick of "it will get better"

Thank you for your replies. I had to laugh when you mention your doctor can help. Why do I laugh? I'll tell you. I am on the highest dose of Effexor XR. I am on Cymbalta. I am also on Xanax. At night I take Ambien because I can't sleep.
Pills make it tolerable some days. But it doesn't take it away. So talking to the dr is not an option. I have gone down that road turned around came back took a U-turn and got stuck in reverse.
No one and I mean no one understands. So then you get to the point that you are sick of people feeling sorry for you. So you start to find a place to be when people are around that make you seem you are just so very happy.
Then when you are alone you can be yourself. Who you truly are.
Then you get 2 kids involved. There true father abandoned them, and threw me around when the moment struck him. Jeff was "dad" for them. Well my first dad didn't love me and the one who did died. Life is so fair. So I have my 2 boys, 14, and 10 who do everything possible to not get along with each other. Constant fighting. My 14 year old is as big as I am..so its not a matter of sitting him in a chair.
Ok this is starting to sound like a pity party and that isn't what I wanted. I was there. I was the one there, through chemo, watching them put poison through his veins. I was there 3 times when he was in the hospital for 2 weeks each time. I never, ever left his side. When his lung collapsed I was the one there holding his hand as they told me..he won't make it through the night. He fought his way out every time. Everytime they said he won't make it. I said..yes he will. When he was in ICU and told me I had to leave, I told them. If you think you can move me go ahead. 5'9 and 145 pounds I stood my ground, which I have never done my entire life. I NEVER left his side. I sat in a hospital chair and that is where I slept when I had the chance. Jeff was never an emotional man until he got cancer. When he cried and said I can't leave you..I..me...I was the one who took his hand with tears in my eyes and told him..it's going to be ok. That was me.
You don't understand Jeff was my best friend, when my first husband threw me around it was Jeffs shoulder I cried on. When he had problems with his girlfriend he would come to me and say..what should I do? I married my best friend.
The second before he died. It was me that was there. He told me to talk to him and not stop. So I talked about the day we got married. He closed his eyes and listened. I told him about when we danced and he sang to me. When I stopped talking he opened his eyes and said don't stop. So I went on and talked and talked. Just the two of us sitting on our couch as he was breathing in his oxygen. He looked at me and said "I love you" I told him you don't have to talk, he shook his head yes. 2 seconds later those big beautiful green eyes rolled into the back of his head and he was gone. I knew. But I started screaming , crying, in hysterics begging him not to go. I knew he was gone, but it didn't stop me. I live with that moment every day of my life. I live with that moment of calling his mom who lived 2 houses down, calling her and saying get up here right now. I live with the moment of her walking in the door.....looking at me saying whats wrong? as she looks down at her son, her baby, the third child shes lost to death. I live with the moment of her running over to him saying..no..stop this now..breathe...breathe baby. I can't lose you too. As tears filled her eyes.
As far as what you said about appreciating life. I do EVERY single day of my life. I'll stop and listen when I hear my son laugh. When theres a beautiful sunset I stop and take it in..thinking of Jeff. When someone is a little too old or a little too weak I take their hand and say..let me help you.
Jeff once told me...if the day should ever come and I have to go before you...(a tear ran down his face) he said...I will be waiting for you. I will save you a place right next to me.

I guess I've taken up enough time of who might be reading this. The tears are starting to fall...so I'll end it hear............thanks.