stayinhidden89

right, well im new to all this so im not totally sure what im supposed to do, but ive decided that now is time where i speak out, i duno maybe in the hope someone will read this and see that people can make it through depression...ill try and keep it short but here it goes...

well basically my life was going downhill from a young age, i didnt know my dad, my mum wanted an abortion and i thought the way i had been treated in my early years was normal. i remember as a young child my mum would go to work and i wouldnt see her for days, thankfully i had grandparents that thought the world of me. mum started to come to terms with the fact she had responsibilities and actually started to try and spend time with me, one of the first trips we had together was with her boyfriend at the time. we went to a country cottage thing that they had rented out for the weekend, i thought it was great, my room had bunk beds in it and everything (its really weird what you remember). i was 5 at the time and hadnt yet developed my fear of birds, so on the saturday morning i went out to feed the chickens, i started crying because one started pecking my leg. that night mum wasnt feeling to well so her boyfriend put me to bed, i fell asleep and i couldnt remember anything after that but mum saw him doing stuff that should have put him in prison for a long time. i didnt find out about any of that until i was 13, they managed to hide if from me all my life.
every now and then mum would tell me that her life would be better if i wasnt part of it, those words stuck with me. i was always close to my grandparents despite them getting on my nerves, then again which guardians dont? i remember me and my grandad used to visit grandads auntie every week, she was like another nan to me, even though she was in her 80s. i always felt close to her, when she died that was the first time i actually felt like a piece of me was taken away. i couldnt understand why she had to die and i blamed myself, although thinking back to it now i couldnt have caused an 89 year old to have a stroke. this ate me up for years, i was 10 at the time and i chose to see her body, i thought it would be easy but i couldnt handle it. i got bullied now and again in school and everything seemed to be coming at once, but i didnt think nothing bad at that point. everything that was going wrong for me, seemed normal, i never spoke to anyone i just assumed this is what everyones life was like.
when i was 11 my one and only brother was born, i thought it was amazing as my whole life i wanted a brother or sister, just someone to play with.
i started high school and started thinking about different things, things that happened in my life, things that other people had been saying.it was then i realised that my life wasnt actually like any of the others in my class or year group for that matter. i went home one day and punched a wall it made me feel good i felt like that was my choice to punch the wall despite my hand swelling up after it. it was then i started thinking about other ways of inflicting pain on myself and giving myself power so one day i picked up a pair of scissors, and started cutting myself. i didnt want anyone to see because i was 11 years old and was no longer being bullied and didnt want to give people reason to bully me.
my mum and i still wernt getting along great but it was the best it had been in a long while, its weird how things happen, just as things appeared to be going right in my life i started to self harm. this went on for years but the hardest year of my life had to be when i was 13, my friend got murdered back in ireland, it was the act of a psychopath, a man had a motive to kill and decided to break into my friends house, stabbed her mate 19 times and left her for dead, then went on to stab my friend 11 times. the first girl survived but my friend died, it was 5 years ago today, which is what partially inspired me to write this. this messed with my head, i couldnt understand how someone could be so cruel, this made the self harming worse, i didnt no what else to do. i walked around putting on a happy face so nobody would realise there was something wrong and then would go home and cut daily. at 13 a lot of things happened that shouldnt have, this all added to the process of self harming, but it developed into suicidal thoughts. i tried to take my life many times but it never seemed to work. i felt helpless to begin with and felt even worse after the suicide attempts, i was thinking whats the point in me being alive if i cant even kill myself. i got the help i needed, not through choice but through fear and im glad i did. i stopped self harming and started to continue with life, started trying to enjoy it, until i was 15. a lot of bad stuff happened until june of that year. in june i felt like i had found someone id be with for a long time, someone i could talk to about anything and everything but it turned out i was wrong, once again i was let down. by the age of 16 my arms were so scarred it was like i had been wrestling with a house full of cats for 10 years but nobody seemed to notice, it was great, i had the power, did things my friends didnt agree with, and i was getting away with it. i knew i shouldnt have been doing it, i was fully aware of my rational and irrational thoughts but it didnt stop me, i hated life and this was the only way i had control. on my friends 18th birthday i stopped, ive only cut once or twice since then. i started seeing a boy that i liked for ages, this really helped me, even though after we broke up i felt low i knew that it was because of him i was made stronger. when i was 17 i lost an uncle due to a heart attack it hit me hard because i felt like i had spoken badly of him for years of my life, also that year i lost an auntie to cancer, infact, in the space of 15 months i lost 22 people. it was difficult, i wanted to cut but i had to get through it another way. i turned 18, i thought finally, adulthood, maybe just maybe ill have a good life now. it was ok, it was fine for a month until february. my uncle committed suicide, i had no idea, i saw him a couple days beforehand and he seemed to be in a world of his own, i didnt think anything of it because i thought it might have been someone that happened at work or with his girlfriend or something, i didnt question it, although looking back i should have done. i was the exact same i was in a world of my own, i should have noticed the similarites but i didnt, that was the hardest thing i ever heard in my life, hearing my nan tell me that my uncle has died, and asking what happened was the hardest question i ever had answered. he had committed suicide through hanging, i was convinced it was a mistake, convinced he didnt mean to kill himself and its been eating me up everyday since. that is what finally ended my ambition to kill myself, because after you feel and experience the after effects of something as major as suicide it puts all the minor pain and suffering into perspective. ive dealt with rape, attempted rape, bullying, death, the whole bundle but id deal with that all again if it meant never having to lose another person to suicide.
despite all the bad things there has been good outcomes, me and my mum are now very close, do anything for one another because its only now we've realised just how much family means to us, and ive had the best boyfriend in the world to help me through the last 7 months of my life.
sorry this was so long, i just thought id give you an idea of my life, and an idea of what things like depression and suicide can do to someone. and hopefully anyone considering suicide will think again when they see how much their one action can change many peoples lives, even if you dont think you mean anything to anyone, you will effect many peoples lives. this is more of a plea to people considering it to ask for help before its too late, i didnt ask for help and it took me 7 years to overcome depression, maybe with the help it wouldnt have taken so long. just please ask for help, even if its just someone you can befriend and talk to about these things. i'll happily talk to someone about their thoughts and feelings, i cant promise ill be the strongest person to talk to especially about suicide but i can and i will try.

stay safe people
-x-stayinhidden-x-