Yesterday morning, my daughter's surgeon called, and said that it would be a couple of weeks before the remaining tests could be scheduled. So, at last minute, we packed up, and headed for the airport.
On the way there, I decided that I need to take my families need into consideration, before going on my own little journey back home. After much thought and consideration, I decided to just go ahead and come home. My daughter was missing her dad and sister very much, and the fact that my husband felt like I chose our friends in Las Vegas over him and my two year old, really made me feel like ****. I know damn well that even being surrounded by good friends, I wouldn't be able to truly enjoy myself knowing that he felt this way. It wasn't a matter of chosing him or our friends...it was a matter of surrounding myself with people who might understand, and trying to figure out who I am, and where I really stand with life. But he just didn't understand that.
Anyway, As soon as we took off, the damn broke, and all the emotions flooded to the surface. I lost it. Those damn tears flooded from the time we took off, till the time we landed--five hours later. And the ironic part is...I was back in that numb state--I didn't feel happy, or sad, or anything. So I couldn't even explain why I was so emotional. Gosh, I must have looked like an idiot on that plane.
We made it home yesterday afternoon. It was a hard day. While I should have been releived to be home, with my husband and daughter, I was anxious, and nervous, and uncomfortable. Of course, my husband wanted "us" time, but I'm just not ready for that yet. I don't want to be touched. It has absolutely nothing to do with him...It really doesn't. And again, I can't explain it to him in a way that he will understand, because damn, I don't even understand. He has done nothing wrong. It's so not fair to him to have to put up with this. What the hell is wrong with me?? I just want to shock the hell out of everyone one day, and come on here and not have anything to complain about. I really hate feeling so negative.
Anyway, I've scheduled an appointment with the psychologist for Monday. We'll see what happens then. Maybe being home will get easier...I hope.
Last edited by NVD; 06-09-2007 at 11:37 AM.