Well as many of you know, it's taken 4 yrs, but my husband finally seems somewhat stable on lithium/lamictal/adderall and has made so much progress in the last month. It seems as though his denial has decreased and he has more self awareness. I have slightly started to relax and feel more happy. He is managing his meds well, seeing a therapist and his pdoc regularly.
He has even said that he feels better now on these medications, so WHY then does he still question if bipolar is "real" and deny that his prior behaviour was ever "that bad"??
He said a couple of weeks ago that he realized that before the meds, his behaviour 'probably' did cause most of the conflict in our home. When he's been stable, there is literally no conflict and everything is going along smoothly and wonderfully. When he's been unstable, conflict and chaos erupt all around him, he is a very argumentative, non-receptive, angry and irritable person during those times. His depressions make him cruel and almost impossible to be around. I have stood by his side, being as strong as I can, through all of this, and as we all know, it has not been easy. But I have always loved him and many times I have felt that I am trying to hold it all together for the sake of our family. I am also trying to protect my 2 children.
I have a great fear that if he doesn't accept this illness 100% and still questions it, that one day he will just give up his meds and things will get worse again. Is this an irrational fear? Does it matter that he questions BP as long as he is taking his meds and seeing his pdoc?
After a great family day yesterday for the 4th, he had some kind of episode last night out of the blue and yelled all sorts of argumentative and hurtful things to me again (making no sense at all). I just cannot be as tolerant anymore, he has worn me out completely and as you can probably tell, I'm not having a great day today because of it. I have been in tears, feeling insecure with him again, and questioning if I can even handle this anymore. I am tired of feeling this way. I don't know if this is his bipolar or if he is just a jerk now. It seems just as I feel we have made it, something else happens to crush that hope.