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Old 07-28-2007, 04:22 PM   #4
bdean bdean is offline
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Re: Addicted mother in denial--almost a life story:)

Hi 1rst,
I have to agree with rose in that you really should look into some kind of support group for families and loved ones of addicts..Whether it be alanon narconon whatever..You really need to learn how to deal with her and how to take some of the responsibilities of her actions off yourself...
I know all to well how it is to be raised in a family of law enforcement..My dad is currently a lead detective over the domestic violence unit on the Shelby County Sherrifs Department,My mom is a correctional Officer at a med/max security prison,my stepmom is a criminal court clerk in Shelby County,my late grandpa served on the local police force and sherriffs department for over 50yrs at the time of his death in January..he was 80y/o when he died and up until approx 6mos before he died he was working part time on the police department..My grandmother retired as a correctional officer and I am even married to a correctional officer who has 4 siblings that work as correctional officers...At one point I thought I wanted to become a cop but chose a different carreer path for myself though it to included public service..I am also an addict..Though my whole addiction was to opiates such as the codiene,lortab and vicoden you were talking about in your post.It all started for me with some major back injuries and a mass on the brain..But in the end it really doesnt matter how it started because it all ends in the same place which is the dark world of addiction..I stayed on the addiction rollercoaster for approx. 8yrs before finally giving it up..During that period of time I tried everything to get clean and did several times..For me the getting clean wasnt all that hard,It was the staying that way that was a killer..I went to detox followed by rehab several times..I would get clean and ride the pink cloud of sobriety for awhile after leaving but inevitably(sp?) the dark black hole of depression would swallow me whole..I tried antidepressants,exercise,diff diets,aa/na and even suicide during this time..I had just did to much damage to my endorphin system to make it successful.I ALWAYS felt like a failure when I relapsed..But it was SOO difficult not to when you are laying in your own sweat and filth because you are to depressed to get off the couch and even take a shower and the whole time you are laying there you KNOW that you could swallow a little pill and it all be taken away..Almost like the special effects of a movie...You know where they show it dark and foggy maybe even misting rain then a "magic" wind comes along and sweeps all of that away to reveal golden sunshine,white fluffy clouds and maybe even a rainbow...I think at times it was my will to live as weird as that may sound that helped me along in my relapses.Because I have woken up in ICU after swallowing the only thing I had in my house which was a bottle of benadryl just trying to escape the feeling of helplessness..There is a reason why I am telling you this story I promise...
It was when I realized that I couldnt do it totally on my own, or with prayer and the 12steps and that I was NOT a failure myself because I had failed at staying clean that I began to heal and recover..I started doing research and asking questions and found out that I wasnt the only one in the world that could get clean but couldnt function "clean"...During that research I found out about MMT or methadone maintance therapy..I was scared at first because I knew nothing about it.But after running into an old friend who at one point was soo strung out on pills her couch was full of cigarette burns and her chest had permanant burn scars and seeing her looking 15yrs younger than she did the last I had seen her,clear eyed,working a fulltime job she loved,driving a newer car and living somewhere other than the projects all due to MMT I decided to give it a chance...Well guess what..??You got it..It has been the greatest thing to ever happen to me..Yes it is a bitc% at first having to go each and every day(I lived a 3.5hr round trip from the clinic)but then truth be told I needed that structure and accountability at first..But I worked the program the way its meant to be worked,stopped using illicit drugs completely(heck I didnt even want them) and was placed on a "fast track" for takehomes and such due to my doing so well in the program..Since the day I started the clinic in Feb 2004 I havent touched a pain pill,or any other type of mind/mood altering drug..I have went back to work in my field of training making more money than I ever have..My days,nights and in between are no longer spent obsessing over drugs...My life is better than it was before drugs actually..As the depression I was suffering pre-drug days is a thing of the past also....I was thinking with your mom's long history of usage,and the main types of drugs it seems she is using being opiates MAT or medication assisted therapy might be something you could look into..They didnt have suboxone readily available in Rural Tn back when I got on methadone or I would have probably tried that route first just to see if it would work..So maybe that would be a good place for your mom to start..She isnt a failure because she has failed..Its just her brain chemistry is no longer the same as it was pre-usage..Anyways thats all I wanted to share with you..I am really sorry this was got as long as it did...I do wish you and your mom the best...I will keep you both in my thoughts and my prayers..Because trust me when I say your mom is more than likely no longer enjoying any aspect of her drug use...In fact she is more likely to be in hell on earth.....Good Luck my friend...

**~*~**HuGz**~*~**
Bdean


Ps I think you are an AWESOME daughter to care enough to wanna learn more about your moms illness and wanting to help her...