Good morning all....
Beka , thank you. Yes I can enjoy and honor the good memories around my daughter. The loss of her is always there but I can laugh at her jokes, remember her beauty and kindness and love her still. I woke several times during the night and had pictures of her at different ages in my mind. Talked to her for awhile and went back to sleep. I'm OK this morning BUT have this feeling hanging over me that I should feel differently . I should be more upset. I SHOULD be throwing myself on the floor in tears. And I am not doing any of that. I am remembering and going about my business here. God has given me no other choice.
Ryan, Thank you for clarifing and helping me to accept what I see in my youngest. I am so glad she told me that this year is so bad for her. With all that's been going on I believe you are right in your perception of her and I. We both held on for dear life and now it's time that we both lived. It's scary as we , I know I feel as if I am leaving my middle daughter behind when in reality she will always be with me EVEN if I go on and live. For years I felt I was betraying her by having a good time or living. It's very sad. You're also right about my oldest. She's a great human being. I love all my daughters dearly as I have watched them grow into lovely young women and what they are all about. The kindness in their hearts always amazes me. As far as the son-in-law goes I think he goes through the motions to keep his sanity. He loved her and still loves her as a big part of his own being. If taking these posessions away from him would hurt him more I don't need to. Material things have never been my mainstay and especially not at the expense of hurting someone dear to me. I do understand my youngest and what she has and is going through now. Never realized why until now. Thank you my friend for your insight.
Ryan.. I agree with the possible cervical intervention. You have been through so much, so much pain and anxiety and others expense. If you can get "fixed" the best you can be and start to mend properly I believe that's all we can ask. You know you are in my prayers always and will continue to be. Please update me after you see the Ortho tomorrow.
Love to all,