I think I have to walk away. I'm petrified.
I don't know how I'm going to pull this off with any lasting significance. Made harder by the fact that I'm not even sure I'm making the right decision. All I know is that I hate feeling this way, and I don't know how else to change the situation. I learnt long ago that you can't force somebody to feel a certain way about you -- when they clearly don't.
I have not heard from HIM all weekend, and for the better part of last week, either. Last update was the fact that I suspected he was having his 30th without me. Now, I have been seeing this guy for 10 months now, and although its not a 'relationship' (he says he's not ready for one after his last breakup) I do believe I am owed some kind of explanation for him suddenly disappearing off the face of the earth this past fortnight. I have tried contacting a few times, not obsessively, but have not recieved replies.
Last night was the 'straw that broke the camels back', for me. I talked to him very briefly yesterday online, and he said he was going to a 'going away drinks' night for his friend, and that he'd call me after and if I wanted to I could come over and have a drink with him and our mutual friends (his roommates, and a few others). No call. The night went on, and I txt him, called him once... no replies. Its now getting towards late afternoon today, and I haven't heard so much as a peep as to what in the world happened.
Its easy to jump to conclusions, and my first is of course that he's seeing someone else, or picked up someone else last night. And then just 'conventiently' decided that the best thing to do was not contact me at all, and hope that 'out of sight, out of mind' would work. Ok, perhaps this wasn't it. But this lump in my throat and the constriction in my chest is just not healthy. I hate always feeling this way. To leave him is to end a fantastic friendship, and not just one, but a couple. I would also be leaving our mutual friends, as to see them would only serve to remind me of him, or continue seeing him. I've made such a meal of all of this, and I'm in so deep now. I'm in love with him, and I don't trust him -- and worst of all, he was never even officially mine.
I'm not sure how I'm going to walk away. If I should say something, or just leave. If there's even point in trying to talk to him, tell him how much he's hurt me. I wonder if he even knows? Cares? Would it make him feel any different? That he has become my world in the past year.. and leaving is about as hard as ripping off my own limbs.
My friends are all in relationships, and too wrapped up in their lives to support me all the time. I need to find support myself, and I don't know how. Because without it, I don't feel I'll be able to stick with my decision -- I'm just not strong enough at this point. I really want to talk to a psychiatrist or professional... but I don't have the money. I am still a student -- I have gone back to full-time study. Any ideas?? I really feel I can't do this on my own. I don't have a great relationship with my family -- its not bad... its just not the kind where I pour my heart out or anything. So I really feel, at this point, completely and utterly lost. All I have is you guys -- which is fantastic, but sometimes all I want is someone else in the room to listen, and give me advice. I am making plans to go overseas and see Europe, but because of study I won't be able to go for another 2 years or something. That is a long way away. Until then, I'm stuck here with my problems, my isolation, and my painful loneliness.
I'm not sure I'm able to do it. I don't know if I have the strength. Is this the right decision?