I can't live without speed...maybe.
My drug of choice is dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine). I live in the Chicago area, and meth isn't popular around here and I couldn't ever find it when I was looking. I've been scripted Dexedrine 75mg for a long time. If you don't know what Dexedrine is, it's the stuff that the guy took in the movie "Walk The Line". 75mg is equal to 15 of those tablets.
When I got clean, I continued to take it by prescription. One day I wasn't sure if I took a double dose or not (ether accidentally or on purpose...), so i decided to binge on it. I told my doctor about it and she stopped scripting it to me. She might start again, now that i'm clean again.
I yawn constantly, i'm always tired, i can barely hear people when they talk to me (horrible focus), i'm overeating and gaining weight, i feel horrible all the time physically, i have such low energy, and socially i'm different and less talkative.
If I were to start taking it again, I'm sure I wouldn't relapse. I'm still able to recover while taking it (I've changed A LOT in the four months that i've been in the program). I still feel the same way as I did while I was taking it before, because I'm taking THREE pharmaceutical drugs to make up for the amphetamine, and they give me so many more side effects that remind me of speed (jaw clenching, eyes bugging around).
I have a sleeping disorder and have to take some kind of stimulant. I think amphetamine is the only option. I'm 100% convinced that I NEED IT.
I've talked to a lot of recovering addicts about it and they never know what to say, because they haven't been in the same situation.
Sorry for the long post. Thanks.
This kind of a post probably shouldn't be posted in a recovery forum. If it triggers anyone, I apologize.