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Old 10-17-2007, 12:10 PM   #1
TopamaxKillsMe TopamaxKillsMe is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Sonoma, CA USA
Posts: 295
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I feel like a horrible person

My mother has had multiple myeloma for over a decade. I lived in Los Angeles and my two siblings that lived near my mother weren't helping. We come from an extremely dysfunctional family. My mother's condition was worsening, my life in LA wasn't going so well so i decided it was time to step up to the plate. At first, I wanted to move her to LA (I hate Florida) but I was worried that taking her away from her doctors would cause problems so I moved here. My background is in Entertainment so I haven't been able to find a job on the level I had in LA. My mother and I share a very confined space (it's a studio apartment). I took her care of her for the first few months I was here but then I started having problems with my epilepsy medication. Additionally, since I"m uninsured, I spent a lot of money and was forced to go get a job to pay my bills (I have a car, credit card payments among other outstanding debt)...not quite what I wanted but I am temping in an office.

My mother has friends from church who used to help her when I was in LA. One of them was taking my mom to the doctor when I was sick from the Topamax or when I was at a job interview, and now working. Her friend from church committed one day to take her to chemo and then the morning of, she canceled because of a family emergency. WE have a phone that is very loud so I heard her friend saying that I should take her to the hospital and I answered that it was impossible because I had to go to work. could we try to get someone else from church? I want to say that if worse came to worse I would've taken my mother to the hospital for chemo and risked losing my job; however, I felt confident that she would be able to get another ride. After all, when I was in LA, she would always manage to find someone from her church to take her, or even the Cancer Society. IT all worked out except for the friend suddenly got angry. She called me that afternoon on my cell phone with a very antagonistic tone, wanting to know why I wouldn't take my mother to the hospital. I told her that i was at work, couldn't talk. She hung up on me.

To attempt to make this story not as long as it is, I will wrap it up by saying this woman came over to my mom's last week to bring her cold medication. On my way home from work, I had asked my mother if she needed me to stop to get anything. She said her friend was going to get her some. That night the friend showed up very antagonistic. When I told her that my problem with her was her calling me at work, she started screaming that I am useless, pathetic, I don't love my mother. My mother was clearly getting upset and I asked the "Friend" to stop and leave because she was upsetting her. Instead she screamed "I don't care" and continued to scream at me, finger in my face, spit flying out of her mouth. She told me I should go back to New YOrk (I lived in NY BEFORE LA). She finally left but I have been very upset about this. i wonder if my mother has said anything to her to prompt this behavior.

I have had thoughts of leaving although I do'nt think I will be able to live with myself if I did. I am so deeply unhappy here. I have thoughts of just getting in my car and driving...anywhere, just away from this.

I have done everything for my mother that I can but I don't feel that it's ever enough and with her friends outburst, I wonder if my mother shares her opinion about me.

I don't know what to do. i feel very depressed and like my life has reached it's lowest point. I get little support (emotional or otherwise) from my brother and my sister seems to think that I'm just prolonging my mother's life which will end soon enough. I don't believe that. That's why I came here. I believe that with the right amount of care and treatment, she still has a few years left (she's only 75).

Anybody? Am I crazy?