Thread: Where I am at
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Old 11-05-2007, 07:15 PM   #1
trg247 trg247 is offline
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Where I am at

Hi

I just spent the last month in the hospital and to put it lightly I am frustrated to put it best. I have had the borderline diagnosis for a long period of time but I guess it has become very evident to my doctor to what degree. I have difficulty communicating with people regarding the way I think, how I grew up and basically everything else so I decided to write it all out and gave it to him in a series of journals or homework as he referred it to. I understand I need help so that was the goal so I was completely honest and open with him (well to a point there is lines in my past that I won't cross for anyone at this point for whatever the reason). At the end of the month he said you are a textbook case of borderline which is interfering with the treatment of your other mental illnesses/diagnosis (severe major depressive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and generalized anxiety disorder). His grand plan is once the depression gets better the BPD will improve but my BPD is standing in the way of my depression treatment - I am confused. I wrote out a complete treatment plan that detailed what I needed to be done to get to a healthy or normal place but the mental health system up here is not equipped to handle some one of my needs. My body is covered with scars - a good percentage are from self harm, my head is going a million miles at once, I scan and read people to determine their "safety factor" and if they are not up to par I cut them out completely and I know I do this but I don't know how to stop, I also manipulate with the best of them to get to what I want but it is destroying the chance of getting what I need to heal, the second I think someone is becoming a threat I make them regret it which scares people right away then I turn around and realize what I have done and need their help but it is too late for the damage has been done. I was labeled as a difficult/ high security risk right from the get go and was treated as such. Now I am back home worse off then I was before knowing I need to do something but don't have a clue where to begin. I show up covered in new cuts and automatically I am trying to manipulate to get what I want or so they seem to believe - three cuts would be plenty to lay the ground work to manipulate thirty tell a whole different story or at least it should have. How am I suppose to get better when what seems the whole medical community is against me and just writes me off? My worst enemy is myself and I am all too aware of this but how do you convince your own brain that what you are thinking is wrong and go the other way? More pills thats what a month in the hospital got me and a doctor damn near spelling out that I am untreatable. Sorry for this rant

trg247