Re: Where I am at
I think you're pushing me away...am I getting too close for comfort?
I know a number of people, who like you have suffered brutal abuse, of many types at the hands of family members, and others, who decided to have their way with them.
A couple of these abused people have gone on to do some very unacceptable things themselves. In the eyes of the law, they have done their time, but in their own mind, they will be in hell forever. A life sentence is 25 years in prison. It doesn't need to take that long to recover.
I know a woman....55 years old...brilliant woman.... was a professor of Law at an Ottawa university. Now she is housebound, debilitated with numerous physical disorders....has to have the Red Cross come in to care for her daily, and she can walk short distances with a walker. She suffered multiple types of abuse at the hands of her father...I think torture would better describe it.....her husband was a pdoc, and stripped her of every shred of dignity she had left. Again multiple types of torture.
Then, after she left the University because she wanted to help battered women, legally get away from their husbands.....she ended up getting raped by one of her client's husbands who was angry that she was helping his wife.
That was the end of her....she's been on disability for close to 20 years.
There's lots more I could tell you....if you want to know I will.
When one has been tortured, they may do things that are totally unacceptable....people wouldn't understand.....unless they have been there themselves.
Pdocs have all the theory....they don't have the experience. Your first step is to acknowledge what you are keeping a secret. Then start to recover from it...
I won't be surprised if you don't reply, but you need to take help, where you can get it, if you want to get this monkey off your back, and lead any kind of a normal life.