Re: Where I am at
Well, if you want me to go away, you're gonna have to say it.....I'm really awful at taking hints...are you?
You remind me of myself....the facts, ma'am, and just the facts. That's why Docs can't treat us....we rhyme off our psychiatric history, like it's a shopping list. No emotion....like everything is fine. But (with me, anyway), I'm telling him how much I want to kill myself, and don't want to be here, etc......then they look at me all perplexed....like why aren't you upset? They don't know whether to believe me or not.
Please don't self harm, or worse. I know that it feels better after, but the truth is, that not everyone is like the people who tortured you.
You didn't DESERVE what was done to you. You didn't do anything WRONG. You DESERVE to be on this planet, and live a decent life, just like anyone else. Your thoughts are terribly distorted, because you have been programmed to protect yourself. Even then, it didn't work, did it? So the torturers are off the hook, and you are left torturing yourself.
You need to stay here for your child.....I'm gonna lay the big guilt trip on you now...very borderline...and I don't care.......
My Dad committed suicide when I was 18. I think I posted that already....it's the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. He was bi-polar, and was in and out of institutions for many years. He had ECT when it was like "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." (That's a quote from my psychiatrist, when I wanted to see his medical records)
I hadn't seen him in 2 years, (I'm 14 in the most current picture I have of him) and my step-Mom refused to have a funeral. He's buried in a common grave in Toronto....I found that 10 years later.
So, there was nothing....life went on as if nothing had happened...and I went insane. Then 8 days later, my Grandmother died....I don't even really remember that.....I had blackouts, where I would wake up with people in front of me, and a stinging face. Apparently, I was screaming at the top of my lungs......
Three years ago tomorrow, my 14 year old cousin hanged himself from a swing set in a public park in Vancouver. His parents celebrate it like it's an Anniversary, and e-mail everyone to invite them.
I have tried to end my life three times....last time it was during a blackout...only things I know about it, are what I've been told by others. Don't remember a couple days before, and about four days after.
I've given it up now.....know why? It's such a borderline thing to do, and I don't want to be like that.
Think about your child. Give yourself a break....you don't deserve to live like this.....but you do have a responsibility to your child. Even if you don't see your child right now, there may come a day, when you will.
I've been on both sides of the fence....child of a suicide, and an attempted suicide....it's a waste of life......
Please think about what I've said...and if you want me to go away, just say so.....(very manipulative....stole your thunder) hehehehehe