Re: Where I am at
"Everyone kept on saying how bad I was, so I tried to punish myself to make myself good."
I didn't use the quote for this, on purpose....I wanted to feel what you are saying....because I used to have that said to me too.
Did they ever enlighten you with a reason that you were bad? Was it said over, and over, until it was beaten into your head? "Bad boy, you didn't clean up your toys?" Bad boy...Bad boy...
YOU ARE NOT BAD....look up the definition of borderline...a feeling of being BAD or EVIL....it's a symptom....not a fact...like a cough, when you have a cold.....a symptom......when you realize that you aren't BAD, you should not need to cut anymore.
Yes, you are responsible for not letting it happen again. I'm assuming this, but I'm thinking that you were a child when your problems occurred. Children are incredibly vulnerable, and cannot fend for themselves. When the people that are caring for them are the abusers, they are stuck.
You are now an adult, those childhood defense mechanisms are no longer required, you can fend for yourself just fine. You are allowing the frightened child to make the decisions, instead of the adult man.....
Think about what I'm saying, it makes sense....it took me a long time to work through all of this for myself, and now maybe it can help you out of the pit you're in.....