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Old 12-19-2007, 11:23 AM   #6
trg247 trg247 is offline
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Re: Good News - Long Wait


When I was a kid my Dad was always in the hospital or at least it seemed that way. I saw him dead the first time at eleven or twelve, then he died twice on the operating table when I was fourteen during a major bypass operation, then there were all of the strokes in between. For a long time every time I heard a siren fear would rush through my body. When my Dad did die I remember the feeling or thought that went through my head "there is no reason to worry anymore". My Dad and I had a very rough relationship when I was a kid and for a long time I hated him but I didn't want anything to happen to him. When your a kid you see your father as invincible to me that ended when I saw him die the first time and I learned he was human. There is a lot more to this but I am not going to go into it at least for now.

The relationship I am trying to have with my son is the type of relationship I had with my father during my mid twenties and the relationship I had with my Grandfather. My son just turned four and during his life to now I have spent a total of three months in the hospital, I doubt he remembers the first time I went in but he remembers the last time very well. The other thing was when i was in the hospital his Poppa was two floors above me due to a seizure and a couple of shattered vertebrates and he was there for over a month which must have added to my sons stress. The reason my son believes why I was in the hospital was that I needed new medicine and the doctors needed me to be in the hospital to figure out the best ones so I could be the best Daddy possible, which he seems to understand to a certain point. When I was in the hospital I would rehearse the conversations that I would have with him before I phoned to make sure that the stress or worry level was as low as possible and after the phone call I was a wreck. I knew I was doing the right thing by getting help which will hopefully pay off in the long run but at the same time I knew it was causing stress in his life which hurt me something terrible. See I fight because I made him a promise to all ways be there to take care of him so I fight to be in the best position possible to do this but the fight has left a mark on him that I hope with time will fade. The therapist asked what has stopped me from taking that next step to where my life is over and the answer is easy, every time I am there I see my son's face and I hear the promise I made him so I stop. If my son was not in my life I would not have a life as he is the only reason why I continue and today that is still very true, without him I no longer exist. Now the goal is to keep him laughing, smiling, teach him about morals and being a good person but now I need to fix the damage that I have done at the same time. I think if I get my life back to the level that I am aiming for then the damage to him will disappear and with time any worry he has about me will fade but what happens if I don't win this fight, what happens if history repeats itself and my meds turn useless again and I am back in the tornado again. I don't care what happens to me but I am almost obsessive when it comes to protecting him and I know that every time I slide it plays an effect on his mental condition. My ex wife I sent away to protect her from me but I can not do that with my son for if he is gone then so am I. I am rambling.

warning: my son is a very sensitive area so if you choose to respond to this post please keep him out of it as much as possible. I made the comparison so there is no reason for anyone else to do the same. Thanks

take care
Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds