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Old 12-19-2007, 11:23 AM   #6
trg247 trg247 is offline
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Re: Good News - Long Wait

Hi:

When I was a kid my Dad was always in the hospital or at least it seemed that way. I saw him dead the first time at eleven or twelve, then he died twice on the operating table when I was fourteen during a major bypass operation, then there were all of the strokes in between. For a long time every time I heard a siren fear would rush through my body. When my Dad did die I remember the feeling or thought that went through my head "there is no reason to worry anymore". My Dad and I had a very rough relationship when I was a kid and for a long time I hated him but I didn't want anything to happen to him. When your a kid you see your father as invincible to me that ended when I saw him die the first time and I learned he was human. There is a lot more to this but I am not going to go into it at least for now.

The relationship I am trying to have with my son is the type of relationship I had with my father during my mid twenties and the relationship I had with my Grandfather. My son just turned four and during his life to now I have spent a total of three months in the hospital, I doubt he remembers the first time I went in but he remembers the last time very well. The other thing was when i was in the hospital his Poppa was two floors above me due to a seizure and a couple of shattered vertebrates and he was there for over a month which must have added to my sons stress. The reason my son believes why I was in the hospital was that I needed new medicine and the doctors needed me to be in the hospital to figure out the best ones so I could be the best Daddy possible, which he seems to understand to a certain point. When I was in the hospital I would rehearse the conversations that I would have with him before I phoned to make sure that the stress or worry level was as low as possible and after the phone call I was a wreck. I knew I was doing the right thing by getting help which will hopefully pay off in the long run but at the same time I knew it was causing stress in his life which hurt me something terrible. See I fight because I made him a promise to all ways be there to take care of him so I fight to be in the best position possible to do this but the fight has left a mark on him that I hope with time will fade. The therapist asked what has stopped me from taking that next step to where my life is over and the answer is easy, every time I am there I see my son's face and I hear the promise I made him so I stop. If my son was not in my life I would not have a life as he is the only reason why I continue and today that is still very true, without him I no longer exist. Now the goal is to keep him laughing, smiling, teach him about morals and being a good person but now I need to fix the damage that I have done at the same time. I think if I get my life back to the level that I am aiming for then the damage to him will disappear and with time any worry he has about me will fade but what happens if I don't win this fight, what happens if history repeats itself and my meds turn useless again and I am back in the tornado again. I don't care what happens to me but I am almost obsessive when it comes to protecting him and I know that every time I slide it plays an effect on his mental condition. My ex wife I sent away to protect her from me but I can not do that with my son for if he is gone then so am I. I am rambling.

warning: my son is a very sensitive area so if you choose to respond to this post please keep him out of it as much as possible. I made the comparison so there is no reason for anyone else to do the same. Thanks

take care
trg247
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Major Depressive Disorder With Psychotic Features
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Current Meds
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Cymbalta
Seroquel
Temazapam