Feeling very low.
I have been suffering from an eating disorder for seven years. I'm now 23, and the disorder has gone through various phases over the years, I've had periods of anorexia, periods of builimia, periods of compulsive binge eating and periods where I have been eating three meals a day but onbly eating from a very short list of foods that I feel safe with, whilst being terrified that my food might contain anything else.
I'm not sure where all of this stemmed from, I was a happy, confident child and I have grown into an anxious, paranoid, oversensitive woman with absolutely no confidence or self belief. My life is seriously affected by the fact that I just don't believe I can really do anything and I therefore become terrified when something new or slightly difficult is thrown in my path.
I am supposed to be starting teacher training in september and I feel sick everyday because I'm so afraid of being a bad teacher and not being able to cope, but I also cant back out of it now because that is always what I have said I wanted to do in the future.
My parents split up 2 years ago and it was extremely painful, and still is. They are going through a very messy divorce, have no money and both seem to have reverted to children who I must now look after. I have no support from them.
I recently started taking roaccutane to treat cystic acne, which I randomly developed at the time of my parents break-up and which knocked my confidence even further. The drug has pushed me into a deep depression and lately I have felt ike I just cant go on. I cry every day and cannot bear to look in the mirror or see anybody.
I started seeing a counselor in december but all it seems to have done is bring all the bad stuff to the surface and create new feelings of guilt which come from the fact that the extent of my issues now feel very real and yet I lie and conceal them from my family.
On the advice of my counselor, I eventually tried to explain my ED to my boyfriend this week. We've been together 18mnths. He was shocked, but his reaction was pretty much that it was all going to be fine and I couldnt be that bad because I am a normal weight, so I just needed to get more confidence. It hasnt been mentioned since.
I have been fantasizing about running away but I know it wouldnt solve my problems.